Google And China In Battle To Enslave You

THE last great battle of our time was underway last night as Google and China began fighting for control of every living thing on the face of the Earth.

Stop And Search To Be Replaced With Good, Old-Fashioned Violence

BRITAIN'S police could once again be able to kick the bejesus out of terror suspects after stop and search powers were declared illegal by some communist homosexuals.

Traffic Slows Down To Stare At Alastair Campbell

CENTRAL London ground to a halt last night as thousands of motorists slowed down to gawp at the mangled wreckage of Alastair Campbell.

Islam4uk Changes Name To Brian Thompson

THE government has banned the extremist group Islam4Uk, forcing it to change its name to Brian Thompson.

Guardian Readers' Heads Explode In Wootton Bassett Dilemma

A PLAN by radical Islamists to march through Wootton Bassett last night caused a series of Guardian reader head explosions across North London.

Al Qaeda To Wage Underpant-Based War, Say Experts

AL Qaeda has embarked on a new campaign of underpant-based terror and improvised exploding knickers, experts warned last night.

New Army Uniforms To Camouflage Lack Of Basic Equipment

BRITISH troops in Afghanistan are to be issued with new uniforms that can disguise the fact they are armed with nothing but rusty tin-openers.

New 'Call Of Duty' To Include Six Months In Helmand

THOUSANDS of computer game fans were last night surprised to learn the new Call Of Duty includes a legally-binding pledge to fight in Afghanistan.

Terror Cells Threaten To Launch Christmas

TERRORISTS are plotting to trigger the festive season by releasing baubles and tawdry seasonal crap into big shops, security experts warned last night.

Racists Undermining Army's Mission To Kill Brown People

RACISTS are damaging the reputation of the British Army and undermining its mission to kill brown people, it was claimed last night.

Al Qaeda To Recruit Fatties

AL Qaeda is expected to focus its recruitment policy on ugly, fat people following the introduction of 'naked' airport scanners, it was claimed last night.

Anger at EU ban on Wanky Shit Pudding

THERE was anger last night as European bureaucrats threatened to outlaw classic British puddings such as freckled ball bag and boiled arseholes.