Massive Gig To Explain Pointlessness Of Afghan War

AN estimated 60,000 fans are to gather at Wembley Stadium for a series of charity lectures on the intractable nature of the war in Afghanistan.

We've Got Lasers Now, Says Navy

WE'VE got bloody lasers and everything now, the Royal Navy said last night.

Support Grows For Retro Falklands War

A MAJORITY of Britons would support a retro, 80s-style war with Argentina, especially if it was narrated by Stuart Maconie, it emerged last night.

MI5 Has Been Trying To Keep Things Secret, Says Judge

BRITAIN'S top judge has accused the secret service of trying to keep everything a big secret.

Bin Laden Deserves A Hefty Fine, Says Cherie Blair

OSAMA Bin Laden would find himself at the sharp end of a £200 fine if he was tried in a British court, Cherie Blair said last night.

Do '45 Minutes', Fans Tell Blair

FANS of Tony Blair are today looking forward to a selection of his greatest hits, including Saddam Hussein Was a Horrible Man and the classic show-stopper 45 Minutes.

Army Snipers Get Thank-You Letter From Jesus

AMERICAN and British soldiers who take down Taleban fighters with a single shot have received thank you letters from Jesus, it emerged last night.

Army To Be Made Up Of Mythical Creatures By 2016

DEFENCE cuts could see Britain's armed forces being made up of Minotaurs, winged horses and nightmarish un-dead demons from Hellraiser, according to a new report.

Don't Suppose You've Seen Bin Laden? Asks FBI

THE FBI has issued computer generated images of what Osama Bin Laden would look like now, just in case you have seen him and not realised.

Google And China In Battle To Enslave You

THE last great battle of our time was underway last night as Google and China began fighting for control of every living thing on the face of the Earth.

Stop And Search To Be Replaced With Good, Old-Fashioned Violence

BRITAIN'S police could once again be able to kick the bejesus out of terror suspects after stop and search powers were declared illegal by some communist homosexuals.

Traffic Slows Down To Stare At Alastair Campbell

CENTRAL London ground to a halt last night as thousands of motorists slowed down to gawp at the mangled wreckage of Alastair Campbell.