Terror Cells Threaten To Launch Christmas
TERRORISTS are plotting to trigger the festive season by releasing baubles and tawdry seasonal crap into big shops, security experts warned last night.
Suspicions were aroused when four tonnes of tinsel, crackers and Family Circle biscuit selection boxes were uncovered in a police raid on a Wolverhampton semi, believed to be an Al-Qaeda bolthole.
Security analyst Martin Crawford said: "It seems the terrorists are planning to distribute festive tat in shopping centres and public spaces, in a bid to create an even earlier start to the several months of the year collectively known as 'Christmas'.
"The British are a tenacious people who endured the Blitz and the IRA with scarcely a whimper, but the prospect of Christmas going on even longer than normal could finally break them.
He added: "The clocks haven't even changed yet. Those evil, psychotic bastards."
Ministry of Defence scenarios suggest an extended Christmas could trigger a kind of mass insanity, during which mothers would eat their children with brandy butter and neighbours would batter each other to death with stockings full of miniature Cadbury's chocolate bars.
Crawford said: "I predict that within days Al-Qaeda will attempt to hijack broadcasters and replace normal telly with interminable Rory Bremner specials and The Neverending Story played on a never-ending loop.
"As the situation worsens, with carol singers and laminated pub menus advertising 'Recession-busting Office Party Xmas Lunches for £9.99 a head', the British government will be forced to launch a nuclear strike against Britain, effectively committing genocide against its own people as a humane alternative to forcing them through an eternity of two-dimensional pseudo-cheer."
Crawford warned: "But even then it wouldn't be over, because any survivors would still have to think about New Year's Eve which, given the deadly radiation and everything, would actually be slightly better than last year's."