Guest Blog: Michael Mcintyre
HEEELLLLOOOOOO EVERYONE! Yes, that's right – it's little old me, using my laptop to type words for you lovely people to read with your mincemeat pies. Speaking of laptop computers, whenever I'm on a train and I see someone using theirs, they've always got that really, really smug look on their face which says 'LAPTOP – I'VE GOT A LAPTOP! AND I'M GOING TO TAP AWAY…tap! tap! tap! Look at me, tappety! tap! tap! I'm more important than you because I have a computer sitting on my lap'. Have you ever noticed that? No? Well I have and I happen to think it's extremely perceptive.
I was standing in the men's toilet in Sainsbury's the other day, doing a man wee with my man's willy, when suddenly I had this thought: AREN'T WILLIES THE DAFTEST LOOKING THINGS!?! They're wrinkly, veiny and at that precise moment when I was peeing lots of nasty, steamy urine out of the end of mine, I thought to myself 'URGH! It's ghastly!'. So I turned to the chap on my left who was also doing a wee with his man's willy, and said to him 'Hello fellow urinator – tell me, haven't you ever wondered what went through God's mind when he gave us our men's willies? I mean, look at it – it's dangly and horrid and smelly – and, to underline my rather pithy observation, I can see that yours is a particularly sorry-looking specimen'.
Don't you really hate it when one of the nation's biggest superstore chains bans you for life, citing 'lewd and inappropriate behaviour'?
'TRA-LA-LA! LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME!' was what I was shouting as I danced around my local pub whilst in the process of getting a bit squiffy. I don't know about you, but when I have a few drinks, I tend to get a bit drunk – and the other day was no exception. Anyway, to cut a long story short I decided to go on a pub crawl and ended up in the local Wetherspoons. 'HELLO EVERYONE! HELLO! I'M DRUNK' I said as I danced around these grubby-looking chaps wearing yellow luminous jackets that were stood at the bar. So I instinctively grabbed one of their hard hat thingies, poured my pint of beer into it before handing it back to the chap and began skipping up and down on the spot, shouting 'LOOK AT ME ! I'M TOTALLY AND UTTERLY OFF THE WALL, ALTHOUGH IN A MANNER WHICH DOESN'T COMPROMISE CURRENT BBC COMEDY DIRECTIVES'.
Have you ever noticed how annoying it is when a 19-stone scaffolder called Phil punches you in the face, shattering your jaw in 17 different places, forcing you to live on a diet of protein shakes and Chivers Jelly for the next three months?
As told to Matt Owen