My Big Gap Year: Family Thighs

THIS week finds me in the Austrian capital – birthplace of such legendary musicians as Mozart and genius Band Aid 20 creator, Midge Ure. However, people forget that there's a dark underbelly to this place which involves doing stuff with your dad that I'd rather not even think about.

As I was strolling along the banks of the famous Blue Danube (which is basically like a huge river and actually brown in colour) I wondered if Josef Fritzl ever pondered this massive PR cover-up while his poor daughter was locked up in the cellar. I just can't imagine the nightmare it must have been for her. I mean, I sort of can, as one time I got caught drinking cider at my school disco and my parents grounded me for two weeks with no TV. Not even prisoners have to live in conditions like that – Josef Fritzl at least let his daughter watch the telly – but it goes without saying that's no excuse for having sex with her all those times. At least my dad knew where to draw the line. 

I decided to take in some culture at the Viennese Museum of Fine Arts, but what I learned instead was that Austrians have actually been bonking their rellies since the beginning of time. The collection was amassed by the Hapsburgs, a family who just couldn't keep their hands out of each other's pants. They even developed these mad sticky-out jaws, which is what happens when you take too much E, but apparently also if you fellate your brother too many times. One time, we were playing truth or dare at one of Martha Pickering's sleepovers and the question came up 'How much money would you accept to shag your brother?' and everyone just went 'NO WAY!' – apart from Martha, who said she'd do it for five grand but actually that was understandable and if we were honest, her brother was only reason we were at her sleepover in the first place. But I saw some pics of those Hapsburgs and they just looked like mentalists with big spammy chins – not a bit like Martha Pickering's brother. I thought to myself 'What the hell is wrong with this country?'. And in the words of Midge, Vienna's most famous export, 'Well tonight thank God it's them instead of me'.

But then I remembered the Vonn Trapp family singers! I am almost 98% certain they weren't having sex with each other, even though they no doubt shared bedrooms and had no X Boxes to fill up the hours of boredom. Instead of getting their kicks in the most heinous of ways, they brightened up their days with the joy of song, which is exactly what Midge Ure, Mozart and all the other famous composers from here must have done when they felt the urge to chat up their dads. And that's what makes Vienna the greatest city in the world.