My Big Gap Year: The Athens Of The South

Despatches from Poppy Spalding

Friday: Greece

This week I'm in Athens, the ancient city responsible for PE, maths and classics and, without which, there would have been no need for me to attend fifth form on a Tuesday.

Guest Blog: Jonathan Ross

'TELL me, how many times did you knock one out over Princess Margaret?' is the question I'd have put to Prince Philip if he'd ever been allowed to come on my show...

One Woman's Week: Big Chef, Little Chef

By Karen Fenessey

It's common courtesy to give a gift receipt with Christmas presents. Not only does this allow you to ascertain if the person bought the item at a marked down price, it also allows you to return it should it be unsuitable. Donny's creepy Jewish sister made no attempt to atone for what she did to Christ and gave me a pair of socks from Marks and Spencer's...

My Big Gap Year: And The Wind Cries Mary

Desptaches from Poppy Spalding

Friday: The Balkans

THIS week finds me on a pilgrimage to Medjugorje in Bosnia. I'd intended to spend Christmas in Munich getting gubbed on Glue Wine at their famous German markets, but after meeting some really happy Italians in the train station, I changed my plans. They said that their happiness was all because of Santa Maria (who's not like the Santa who comes down your chimney like I initially thought).

My Perfect Bloody Christmas

By Michael Caine

Do you know, there are three things in this life that are a given: 1) Sean Connery will never put his hand in his bleeding pocket; 2) Michael Winner shouldn't be allowed to direct the bloody traffic; and 3) I'll never be asked to switch the Christmas lights on in Oxford Street ever again...

One Woman's Week: Love At First Bite

By Karen Fenessey

For some, this time of year means binging on mince pies, mulled wine and laxatives. However, for others, the birth of Christ can mean only one thing: dirty, filthy sex with hundreds of prostitutes.

Guest Blog: Michael Mcintyre

I was standing in the men's toilet in Sainsbury’s the other day, doing a man wee with my man's willy, when suddenly I had this thought: AREN'T WILLIES THE DAFTEST LOOKING THINGS!?!

My Big Gap Year: Family Thighs

Dispatches from Poppy Spalding

Monday: Vienna

THIS week finds me in the Austrian capital - birthplace of such legendary musicians as Mozart and genius Band Aid 20 creator, Midge Ure. However, people forget that there's a dark underbelly to this place which involves doing stuff with your dad that I'd rather not even think about.

One Woman's Week: Spell It Like It Is

The reason our country is in such a mess is because the majority of its citizens gain their knowledge of punctuation from ready meals. That's why if Gordon Brown called me up to discuss his writing skills I'd have a little less to say about war and a little more to say about exclamation marks (!).

My Big Gap Year: Gypsy Rose Tea

Despatches from Poppy Spalding

Thursday: Romania

Romania! The place to be seen for vampires and gypsies. In fact, Romania isn't full of men in fake Adidas tops playing accordions and misunderstanding the municipal refuse collection system. The Romanies are a fantastic race who really know how to do Halloween.

One Woman's Week: Strippers

Even though I work with hippies and simpletons, I still say 'It's not my place to judge'. Thankfully this isn't true for Dannii and Cheryl. It's their role to see others for what they truly are; otherwise X Factor would be pointless and unwatchable. That's why I am appalled that the media has turned on them the way it has....

My Big Gap Year: Roman Holiday

Dispatches from Poppy Spalding

THIS week finds me in Switzerland, home of chocolatey assault course, Toblerone and, more recently, randy holocaust survivor and film maker, Roman Polanski...