Together, As A Nation, We Can Find My Glasses

By Cardinal Keith O'Brien

IT has been a troubling 48 hours in the history of our ancient but resilient nation. For so it was, at around 11.30 on Tuesday morning, I realised with a heavy heart and a sagging spirit, that I could not find my glasses.

Your Powerpoint Presentation Was An Embarrassing Piece Of Shit

THIS may seem like an obvious question at this particular moment but I have to ask it: What were you thinking? I mean, what in the name of Christ was going through your mind?

My Wedding Is Going To Be So Much Better Than Yours

Just three weeks to go and I'm so excited. The final preparations are being made and I can assure you it is going to be a magical day. So much better than yours.

If I Won The Lottery...

Oh... let's think - Well, for a start I'd buy a nice big house in Surrey with an indoor swimming pool and a sauna. Six, maybe seven bedrooms. All en-suite of course. A big kitchen with an Aga and one of those huge American fridges. I'd get a nice car too. Maybe a Porsche Cayenne or a Lexus or one of those absolutely gigantic Volvos.