Columnists

Dermot Jaye's Self-Pleasure Island Disks

MUSIC is the soundtrack to our lives - dancing, drinking, networking at exclusive members-only events and, perhaps most importantly, masturbating.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

My neighbours are an even bigger shower of cretinous bastards than I thought.

One woman's week, with Karen Fenessey

It was the most embarrassing moment of Rebekah Brook's life: appearing at the Leveson inquiry dressed like she was off to a Dido concert.

The perfect mentally-unhinged macaron recipe

HOW to make macarons while struggling with your legion of inner demons.

Dr Julian Cook's science laboratory

In the end, it didn't matter how valuable an asset Ötzi was in the sky or on a beach volleyball team, he simply had to die.

One woman's week, with Karen Fenessey

Sacrificial bees, oily cougars from Shropshire and bundles of soiled towels are all part of Kate's life now she's married royalty.

Dr Julian Cook's science laboratory

I'm a man of science and couldn't help noting some subtle anomalies. His thumbs were double their original size and his testicles were on the wrong side of his trousers.

Desert Island Discs, with George Osborne

Many people think that I'm the sort of person who constantly had people urinating in his locker at school.

Stylish Masturbator, with Dylan Jones

For sheer edgy cool you cannot top masturbating in a disabled toilet in the provinces.

One woman's week, with Karen Fenessey

Thinking on my feet, I whipped my pants down to give a rare showing of what my fifth form biology teacher giddily referred to as my Mambo Number Five.

Dr Julian Cook's science laboratory

Any massive particle - be it me, an aubergine, an altar boy - we've all been interfered with.

One woman's week, with Karen Fenessey

I have always been the world's greatest champion of younger women and, like Cheryl, have also suffered the inevitable betrayal.