One Woman's Week

"Something tells me the only type of music Simon Cowell can hear these days is the kind that's piping wistfully from his skin flute."

My Big Gap Year

Dispatches from Poppy Spalding

Wednesday: San Francisco

Out clubbing, I met so many ultra-friendly gender pirates, including a stunning boy called Andy who was like seven feet-tall, even with his stilettos off...

Last Night's TV, With Parker From Thunderbirds

Hi don't mind tellin' you hit hain't heasy gettin' the night awf, but Lady Penelope bein' the gracious woman what she is says to me: "If you really must slob around in your ghastly track suit bottoms watching the television then be my guest, Parker. But I insist you switch it awf by 11.30, and don't forget to leave the back door open so Raul the gardener can get in."

One Woman's Week

"Yes, it's the day everyone's been waiting for with a sense of grotesque inevitability: Lourdes has finally set to work on those eyebrows..."

Dirty Harry's Neighborhood Watch

I NEVER asked for this assignment, but I guess some dumb sonofabitch has got to do it. You see what those assholes in suits downtown don't understand is that when someone lets their dog crap on the pavement it's guys like me who have to put it in a plastic bag and dispose of it.

My Big Gap Year: Chelsea's Bristols

Dispatches from Poppy Spalding

American politicians love England because of all the help we've provided during the war in Iraq so they're never far away from naming their children after random areas of the country. But the Democrats are faring better in this competition because, as far as I know, my great uncle Rod never refers to  his carer's breasts as 'Chelseas'...

Richie Benaud's Police, Camera, Action!

MORNING everyone, and welcome to a busy stretch of the M25 where some crazed lunatic has taken it upon himself to cut his fellow drivers up, with little or no consideration for other motorists. The consequences of the sort of driving we've just witnessed could've been disastrous.

Goodfellas Play School

With Jimmy Conway and Tommy DeVito

A house
With a door
One, two, three, four
Ready to play
What's the day?
It's Tuesday you dumb fuck

One Woman's Week: Save Us From Ugly French Women

By Karen Fenessey

"Not only will this take valuable time away from the significant contribution veiled women make to the French economy via online poker, but will also interfere with prayer mat routines and cooking along with Nigella..."

Diana In Heaven

Shakespeare’s been teaching me how to play darts and I'm entered into a tournament next week. Darts is a bit different up here - this is Heaven so it's obviously well fucking better.


SIR IAN BOTHAM in his local post office, asking how much it would cost to send a two-litre bottle of sarsaparilla to North Korea...

Diana In Heaven

'Sir Arthur used it to catch the dead ones out of The Golden Girls and gently lick their faces before letting them go again. Cheeky bastard...'