The perfect mentally-unhinged macaron recipe

HAVE you noticed how macarons are the sweet craze now that cupcakes have suddenly become social poison?

Well, here’s how to make them while struggling with the legion of inner demons and feelings of inadequacy, paranoia and alienation that make you obsess about small sweet things.

It's normal to give them individual names

  • 140g/5oz ground almonds
  • 25g/1oz bodily fluids of your choice
  • 275g/9¾oz icing sugar
  • Clump of your hair
  • 4 free-range egg whites
  • Twigs

For the filling

  • 75ml/2½fl oz whipping cream
  • 75g/2½oz gin
  • 75g/2½oz mascarpone cheese
  • More gin
  • 25g/1oz icing sugar
  • Yet more gin


  • Preheat the oven to 170/C/325F/Gas 5 and line a large baking tray with baking paper while ignoring the voices in your head telling you to do things with scissors.
  • Put the icing sugar, ground almonds and 40g/1½oz egg whites together in a large bowl and mix with intense aggression repeating the phrase ‘Biscuits, I’ll give them fucking biscuits’.
  • Put the water and caster sugar in a small pan and heat gently to melt the sugar, then turn up the heat and boil, boil, boil, boil until the mixture appears to be screaming ‘no more’. Then give it more. Make it suffer.
  • Whisk the remaining 50g/2oz egg whites in a small bowl until medium-stiff, then abandon everything temporarily while you run upstairs and have a cry. Return to kitchen, repeatedly slap own face while saying ‘we can do this, it’s all fine’.
  • Spoon into the piping bag. With the bag held vertically, pipe the words HELP ME, twisting the bag after each letter (biscuits are usually round but it’s OK, you don’t have to do what THEY say any more and that includes the doctors).
  • Leave to stand for 30 minutes to form a skin then bake in the oven for 12–15 minutes with the door slightly ajar until firm. Remove from the oven, lift the paper off the baking tray and leave the macaroons to cool on the paper. Write note along lines of ‘I hope you love these like you could never love me. I’ll always remember Tuscany.’
  • Insert head into oven.
  • Hope someone comes (if no one does, the biscuits will stay fresh for up to two days).