Opinion
Goodfellas Play School
With Jimmy Conway and Tommy DeVito
A house
With a door
One, two, three, four
Ready to play
What's the day?
It's Tuesday you dumb fuck
One Woman's Week: Save Us From Ugly French Women
By Karen Fenessey
"Not only will this take valuable time away from the significant
contribution veiled women make to the French economy via online poker,
but will also interfere with prayer mat routines and cooking along with
Nigella..."
Diana In Heaven
Shakespeare’s been teaching me how to play darts and I'm entered into a
tournament next week. Darts is a bit different up here - this is Heaven
so it's obviously well fucking better.
Spotted!
SIR IAN BOTHAM in his local post office, asking how much it would
cost to send a two-litre bottle of sarsaparilla to North Korea...
Diana In Heaven
'Sir Arthur used it to catch the dead ones out of The Golden Girls
and gently lick their faces before letting them go again. Cheeky
bastard...'
Tech Talk
Gizmo news and reviews with Nicholas Bispen
FANS of the troubled Pernice Boomerang handset have been disappointed
following the long-delayed launch of the v-shaped personal organiser.
Guest Blog: Prince Harry On Tour
"OI you, saggy flaps!" I shouted at the trolley dolly as she walked down the aisle to serve one of my six bodyguards, "I think you'll find that this is only a triple measure of Jack and I specifically asked for a quadruple. Be a luv and bring us the bottle."
Wax Attack
This week's hottest new single releases
Das Shittz - You Are Not My Daddy
The band recently reported their producer to the musical ombudsman after
he bricked them up into a chimney until they got a drum snare right.
My Big Gap Year
Dispatches from Poppy Spalding
Thursday: New Orleans
'What's the biggest drag when you're at somebody's funeral listening to
the priest talk mumbo jumbo for what seems like hours?'
Diana In Heaven
IT was Michael Jackson's first deathday celebration day last Friday and
to be honest, it was a bigger fuck-up than that time he hung the kid
over the balcony - the bloke just hasn't got a bloody clue.
Diana In Heaven
Went round to Brian Clough's to watch the England v Slovenia match
the other day. Was planning to go to Don Revie's but when we got there
he was charging people twenty quid to get in and had put a ban on
everyone bringing in their own drinks.
One Woman's Week: Black To Basics
By Karen Fenessey
WHEN people ask me, 'Karen! Been watching the World Cup?', I always
respond, 'World Cup? World Crap more like!'. Normally, Wimbledon is the
only sporting date in my summer diary. For me, football has always been
something played by faceless alcoholics with clammy thighs and
impenetrable regional accents...