Goodfellas Play School

With Jimmy Conway and Tommy DeVito

A house
With a door
One, two, three, four
Ready to play
What's the day?
It's Tuesday you dumb fuck

One Woman's Week: Save Us From Ugly French Women

By Karen Fenessey

"Not only will this take valuable time away from the significant contribution veiled women make to the French economy via online poker, but will also interfere with prayer mat routines and cooking along with Nigella..."

Diana In Heaven

Shakespeare’s been teaching me how to play darts and I'm entered into a tournament next week. Darts is a bit different up here - this is Heaven so it's obviously well fucking better.


SIR IAN BOTHAM in his local post office, asking how much it would cost to send a two-litre bottle of sarsaparilla to North Korea...

Diana In Heaven

'Sir Arthur used it to catch the dead ones out of The Golden Girls and gently lick their faces before letting them go again. Cheeky bastard...'

Tech Talk

Gizmo news and reviews with Nicholas Bispen
FANS of the troubled Pernice Boomerang handset have been disappointed following the long-delayed launch of the v-shaped personal organiser.

Guest Blog: Prince Harry On Tour

"OI you, saggy flaps!" I shouted at the trolley dolly as she walked down the aisle to serve one of my six bodyguards, "I think you'll find that this is only a triple measure of Jack and I specifically asked for a quadruple. Be a luv and bring us the bottle."

Wax Attack

This week's hottest new single releases

Das Shittz - You Are Not My Daddy
The band recently reported their producer to the musical ombudsman after he bricked them up into a chimney until they got a drum snare right.

My Big Gap Year

Dispatches from Poppy Spalding

Thursday: New Orleans

'What's the biggest drag when you're at somebody's funeral listening to the priest talk mumbo jumbo for what seems like hours?'

Diana In Heaven

IT was Michael Jackson's first deathday celebration day last Friday and to be honest, it was a bigger fuck-up than that time he hung the kid over the balcony - the bloke just hasn't got a bloody clue.

Diana In Heaven

Went round to Brian Clough's to watch the England v Slovenia match the other day. Was planning to go to Don Revie's but when we got there he was charging people twenty quid to get in and had put a ban on everyone bringing in their own drinks.

One Woman's Week: Black To Basics

By Karen Fenessey

WHEN people ask me, 'Karen! Been watching the World Cup?', I always respond, 'World Cup? World Crap more like!'. Normally, Wimbledon is the only sporting date in my summer diary. For me, football has always been something played by faceless alcoholics with clammy thighs and impenetrable regional accents...