My Big Gap Year: Chelsea's Bristols

Dispatches from Poppy Spalding

American politicians love England because of all the help we've provided during the war in Iraq so they're never far away from naming their children after random areas of the country. But the Democrats are faring better in this competition because, as far as I know, my great uncle Rod never refers to  his carer's breasts as 'Chelseas'...

Richie Benaud's Police, Camera, Action!

MORNING everyone, and welcome to a busy stretch of the M25 where some crazed lunatic has taken it upon himself to cut his fellow drivers up, with little or no consideration for other motorists. The consequences of the sort of driving we've just witnessed could've been disastrous.

Goodfellas Play School

With Jimmy Conway and Tommy DeVito

A house
With a door
One, two, three, four
Ready to play
What's the day?
It's Tuesday you dumb fuck

One Woman's Week: Save Us From Ugly French Women

By Karen Fenessey

"Not only will this take valuable time away from the significant contribution veiled women make to the French economy via online poker, but will also interfere with prayer mat routines and cooking along with Nigella..."

Diana In Heaven

Shakespeare’s been teaching me how to play darts and I'm entered into a tournament next week. Darts is a bit different up here - this is Heaven so it's obviously well fucking better.


SIR IAN BOTHAM in his local post office, asking how much it would cost to send a two-litre bottle of sarsaparilla to North Korea...

Diana In Heaven

'Sir Arthur used it to catch the dead ones out of The Golden Girls and gently lick their faces before letting them go again. Cheeky bastard...'

Tech Talk

Gizmo news and reviews with Nicholas Bispen
FANS of the troubled Pernice Boomerang handset have been disappointed following the long-delayed launch of the v-shaped personal organiser.