Opinion

Guest Blog: Michael Mcintyre

I was standing in the men's toilet in Sainsbury’s the other day, doing a man wee with my man's willy, when suddenly I had this thought: AREN'T WILLIES THE DAFTEST LOOKING THINGS!?!

My Big Gap Year: Family Thighs

Dispatches from Poppy Spalding

Monday: Vienna

THIS week finds me in the Austrian capital - birthplace of such legendary musicians as Mozart and genius Band Aid 20 creator, Midge Ure. However, people forget that there's a dark underbelly to this place which involves doing stuff with your dad that I'd rather not even think about.

One Woman's Week: Spell It Like It Is

The reason our country is in such a mess is because the majority of its citizens gain their knowledge of punctuation from ready meals. That's why if Gordon Brown called me up to discuss his writing skills I'd have a little less to say about war and a little more to say about exclamation marks (!).

My Big Gap Year: Gypsy Rose Tea

Despatches from Poppy Spalding

Thursday: Romania

Romania! The place to be seen for vampires and gypsies. In fact, Romania isn't full of men in fake Adidas tops playing accordions and misunderstanding the municipal refuse collection system. The Romanies are a fantastic race who really know how to do Halloween.

One Woman's Week: Strippers


Even though I work with hippies and simpletons, I still say 'It's not my place to judge'. Thankfully this isn't true for Dannii and Cheryl. It's their role to see others for what they truly are; otherwise X Factor would be pointless and unwatchable. That's why I am appalled that the media has turned on them the way it has....

My Big Gap Year: Roman Holiday

Dispatches from Poppy Spalding

THIS week finds me in Switzerland, home of chocolatey assault course, Toblerone and, more recently, randy holocaust survivor and film maker, Roman Polanski...

One Woman's Week: Caster And Bollocks

PEOPLE often say to me 'Karen, you've got some balls!' They put the emphasis on the word 'some' meaning that I am a woman to be reckoned with. However, for poor Caster Semenya, the people saying it are doctors and they put the emphasis on the 'balls' part.

My Big Gap Year

Dispatches from Poppy Spalding

Wednesday: Amsterdam

AMSTERDAM! You might think that I came here for the same reasons as all the gibbering British zombaloids lumbering around the streets with nutella smeared on their chins - and maybe that is why I came. But there are more reasons to visit than the varieties of soapbar available: you can also educate your mind about art and discover what gender you really are in one of the many sex venues, which was something I'd previously had to rely on Facebook for.

One Woman's Week: Evolution On The Number 9

"There are many measures I take to keep myself free of disease, including never touching other people in any way and always wiping from front to back..."

My Big Gap Year: Life Is A Techno-Nazi Cabaret


Dispatches from Poppy Spalding

Wednesday: Berlin

This week, I'm in the place where both clubbers and Nazis come to see where it all started: Berlin! Although, I must say there are basically no Nazis left these days and the locals get really red-faced if you try and ask them about it. Nevertheless, this place is teeming with technoheads!

One Woman's Week: If You're Thinkin' About My Baby...

By Karen Fenessey

YET another day passes where I must bite the tears and press on in this terrible world where there is no Michael. His message to the world 'It don't matter if you're black or white' has never been so relevant – especially as I recently learned from the BBC series The Incredible Human Journey: Out of Africa that in fact all humans are black, regardless of the colour of their skin.

My Big Gap Year: Pope And Glory

With Poppy Spalding

WEDNESDAY: ROME
This week finds me in the former lava-loving, viaduct-building world dominator: Roma, Italia! It's always been my dream to come to Rome so I can see if all the roads really do lead here. I now fully understand how they do as there are just so many roads, and they literally lead in hundreds of directions.