Guest Blog: Jeremy Kyle

MY new prime-time show, Jeremy Kyle Tells You To Shut It, airs tonight, and the first episode is an absolute corker. A woman who'd lost her entire family in a multiple car wreck was sitting in the chair, moaning and groaning about her lot in life, which I know was pissing the audience off no end. So I hit her over the head with my rolled-up script.

Psychic Bob's Mystical Predictions: Fa Cup, Fifth Round

I SEE red and white stripes. I see a sinister-looking man, frightening of aspect and large of girth but possessed of a grace unseen in mortal men, with the possible exception of Van Basten before his ankle imploded.
Southampton to beat Bristol Rovers

I Was There

Great moments in sport No. 87: Steven Seagal at the Boat Race

My first experience of what you English call the 'Boat Race' was way back in 1978 when I was in England for the annual Neck Snapping Derby. The previous year I was beaten by Ling Eeeeeee-Lo, my ageing Kwand-eeeeek-oh Master from way back. Ling was old school, and was accompanying me on this trip. Boy, was I looking forward to cracking a few windpipes with the old guy.

Marks & Spencer? I Shit 'Em

By Mervyn King, Governor of the Bank of England SO there I am setting up the stall, right, early doors, when who should amble over all casual-like but my old pal, Mr Marks and Sparks himself, Sir Stuart knobbing Rose. The total cock-fucker. Still I was glad it was him. I thought at first it might have been the Excise. Tossing fuck-tits.

To The People, I Present My Vision

By Gordon Brown

WHEN I was a small boy somewhere in Scotland, I remember meeting a poverty-stricken old man who coughed phlegm and bits all over me. Even though I was just a child, I vowed to do whatever I could to cure that man of his illness, and then destroy him.

One Woman's Week: Present And Correct

By Karen Fenessey

THERE are many things that I love about Christmas - carol singing, pretty baubles and getting gifts from people who’ve really made an effort to understand my complicated psyche (and that’s not many!).

My Perfect Christmas

by James Caan

You know what I like to do at Christmas time? Fuck broads - that’s what I like to do. It’s long been a practice of mine to spread peace and goodwill to all womankind during the yuletide period - skinny broads, fat broads, big titty broads, broads with glass eyes, prosthetic legs and sometimes  - God forbid - ugly broads with no fuckin’ right to have my dick in them. So that’s what I like to do at yuletide – and if you don’t like it, you can stick up your ass.

Guest Blog: Michael Parkinson

I'VE been lucky enough to meet stars of stage, screen and indeed, some of my biggest sporting heroes. But the one interview which touched me most was with the woman who provides the voice you hear in post office queues. I am talking, of course, about those famous words, 'cashier number five, please'. She was the most wonderful lady, answering all my questions with grace and a good deal of wit. Unlike that monosyllabic fuckstick, Meg Ryan.