Opinion

How to make your own 'Bradley Wiggins' sideburns

You can get the 'Wiggins look' with little more than pubes and sticky tape.

Watching the Women's 63kg final, we can't help wondering at their lycra-clad mysteries

Any truly intrepid scientist would jump at the chance to go in and have a good old rummage around.

Tom Cruise sits down with aliens and has a drawer marked 'phone chargers'

How could Tom stay enthusiastic about a woman whose buttocks could slice a man's leg off?

I'm attempting to re-invent myself as a kind of elderly Angelina Jolie

The book's about a weird lady who must be very grumpy because she's always moaning.

Cat's entertainment: The Dark Knight Rises

What a cat thinks about the new Batman film.

Higgs Boson is a lot like 50 Shades of Grey

He's commanding the Bottom Quark to drive to the petrol station with no skirt on.

Should I colour in my bald patch with a felt tip?

Wayne Rooney was banned for two matches is because he was caught illegally harvesting the hair of corpses.

Madonna, no-one wants to see your udders anymore

Madonna's actions have resurrected the age old question of how old a nipple has to be before it is euthanised.

Cat's entertainment, with tabby Martin Harper

A feline perspective on the latest cinema releases.

Dermot Jaye's Self-Pleasure Island Disks

MUSIC is the soundtrack to our lives - dancing, drinking, networking at exclusive members-only events and, perhaps most importantly, masturbating.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

My neighbours are an even bigger shower of cretinous bastards than I thought.

One woman's week, with Karen Fenessey

It was the most embarrassing moment of Rebekah Brook's life: appearing at the Leveson inquiry dressed like she was off to a Dido concert.