Desert Island Discs, with George Osborne

Many people think that I'm the sort of person who constantly had people urinating in his locker at school.

Stylish Masturbator, with Dylan Jones

For sheer edgy cool you cannot top masturbating in a disabled toilet in the provinces.

One woman's week, with Karen Fenessey

Thinking on my feet, I whipped my pants down to give a rare showing of what my fifth form biology teacher giddily referred to as my Mambo Number Five.

Dr Julian Cook's science laboratory

Any massive particle - be it me, an aubergine, an altar boy - we've all been interfered with.

One woman's week, with Karen Fenessey

I have always been the world's greatest champion of younger women and, like Cheryl, have also suffered the inevitable betrayal.

Dr Julian Cook's science laboratory

With Mel’s advancing years and poor diet, he’s probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

One survivor's week, with Karen Fenessey

It's no secret that some of the things I write make pretty difficult reading. But this one has literally killed me. Costa Concordia 2012 – I was there.

Stylish Masturbator, with Dylan Jones

'Hey Dermot, is that you in there, masturbating?'

Julian Cook's science laboratory

It is almost like the seabed is Albert Square, the Queen Vic is its super-heated, noxious spewing hole and the community of gruesome, spineless jokes-of-nature are the cast of Eastenders.

One woman's week, with Karen Fenessey

Do they know it’s Christmas time at all? That's the question I like to ask of Great Britain’s turkey population at this time of year. Sadly, the answer is usually ‘yes’.

Stylish Masturbator, with Dermot Jaye

The modern world has forgotten that masturbation can be an aspirational activity.

Power Thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor

I'd like to say I understand your problems but I'm in Thailand with my wife Pae Pwang-O'Connor maxing, relaxing and watching her play tennis in a bikini and heels.