Many people think that I'm the sort of person who constantly had people urinating in his locker at school.
For sheer edgy cool you cannot top masturbating in a disabled toilet in the provinces.
Thinking on my feet, I whipped my pants down to give a rare showing of what my fifth form biology teacher giddily referred to as my Mambo Number Five.
Any massive particle - be it me, an aubergine, an altar boy - we've all been interfered with.
I have always been the world's greatest champion of younger women and, like Cheryl, have also suffered the inevitable betrayal.
With Mel’s advancing years and poor diet, he’s probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.
It's no secret that some of the things I write make pretty difficult
reading. But this one has literally killed me. Costa Concordia 2012 – I
'Hey Dermot, is that you in there, masturbating?'
It is almost like the seabed is Albert Square, the Queen Vic is its super-heated, noxious spewing hole and the community of gruesome, spineless jokes-of-nature are the cast of Eastenders.
Do they know it’s Christmas time at all? That's the question I like to
ask of Great Britain’s turkey population at this time of year. Sadly,
the answer is usually ‘yes’.
The modern world has forgotten that masturbation can be an aspirational activity.
I'd like to say I understand your problems but I'm in Thailand with my wife Pae Pwang-O'Connor maxing, relaxing and watching her play tennis in a bikini and heels.