Kojak In The Attic

Whaddaya know, Mr and Mrs Patterson want to raise three big ones so they can enjoy a self-catering Hoseasons boating vacation on the Norfolk Broads. It's not my cup of tea, coochie-coo - the only broads Theo Kojak's interested in are the ones who make my eggs over easy and keep my side of the bed warm at night, capice?

One Woman's Week, With Karen Fenessey

EVERYONE is saying it’s great that the Chandlers have finally been released by their swash buckling captors. But is it just me who thinks this development is a little too convenient?

Shaun Ryder's Jungle

AND so I am to appear on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. As an aesthete I am naturally repelled by the unstoppable march of reality television programmes and the oxygen they lend to the dismal, slack-jawed 'personalities' who scramble to appear on them.

Power-thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor

Being the cleverest person in the room is an incredible feeling. You probably worry that the hours you spend on Facebook looking at photo albums of people you don't know or reading celebrity gossip magazines is making you stupid. It is not...

Samuel L Jackson: Personal Injury Lawyer

THIS dude comes into ma office the other day and I ask him his name and he comes back with 'Vic'. I says to him: "Tell me Vic, in the last three years have you been involved in a muthafuckin' accident that wasn't your fault?"

Guest Blog: John Lydon

GREETINGS, fellow scumbags. I speak to you from deepest, darkest Soho in London Town. I'm up early on this fine, crisp English morning - the birds are singing and I've just completed my first rebellious act of the day by not saying 'hello' to the special constable who walked past my house...

One Woman's Week, With Karen Fenessey

Like you, I was utterly addicted to the Chilean miners and couldn’t tear myself away when it came to eviction night.

Captain Mainwaring's Digital Versatile Disc Review

NOW pay attention men. Last night at around 17.00 hours, I took delivery of the latest batch of DVD videograms I've been asked to review, courtesy of Mr Jones, who also included a lamb chop and two pork sausages.

Poppy Spalding's Big Gap Year

My hotel is right on the Strip so I wasn't surprised when I found traces of GSR in my toilet. I was able to guesstimate the TOD to be 4am. There was no use looking for the VIC - he'd be six metres under the Nevada desert by now, his dental records vanished without a trace. Further investigations under the bed revealed a Riverdance DVD and a Scholl Party Foot...

One Woman's Week

"Something tells me the only type of music Simon Cowell can hear these days is the kind that's piping wistfully from his skin flute."

My Big Gap Year

Dispatches from Poppy Spalding

Wednesday: San Francisco

Out clubbing, I met so many ultra-friendly gender pirates, including a stunning boy called Andy who was like seven feet-tall, even with his stilettos off...

Last Night's TV, With Parker From Thunderbirds

Hi don't mind tellin' you hit hain't heasy gettin' the night awf, but Lady Penelope bein' the gracious woman what she is says to me: "If you really must slob around in your ghastly track suit bottoms watching the television then be my guest, Parker. But I insist you switch it awf by 11.30, and don't forget to leave the back door open so Raul the gardener can get in."