Labour confirms they will do the bleeding obvious
LABOUR’S rail nationalisation plans have confirmed they are a party unafraid to do the entirely obvious thing if they feel it benefits Britain.
Nigel Farage ‘will be allowed to make love to Lee Anderson on air’ – Ofcom
NIGEL Farage and Lee Anderson having full sex live on GB News does not contravene election coverage rules, according to Ofcom.
Runaway London horses desperate to carve out media career
THE Household Cavalry horses who rampaged through London are keen to turn their 15 minutes of fame into lucrative media careers.
We ask you: will your children join Shapps and Sunak’s fighting men?
RISHI Sunak is increasing defence spending and preparing for war. Would you send your children to battle under his indefatigable command?
Man realises he would have bullied his teenage self too
A MAN looking back on a miserable adolescence ruined by bullies has come to the conclusion that, on balance, he probably deserved it.
Kate’s photo of Louis is perfect in every way, grovels media that has learnt its f**king lesson
THE British media is heaping praise on Princess Kate’s bang-average photo of Prince Louis in a desperate bid to make amends, it has emerged.
Inconsiderate boyfriend’s sincere apology sucks fun out of girlfriend’s rage
A GENUINE apology from a woman's boyfriend has stripped all the joy from her righteous indignation.
‘Back in your day…’ and other comments you can sue Gen Z bastards for now
A JUDGE has ruled that saying ‘back in your day’ to an older colleague could be considered age harassment. Here are some phrases young people had better not say to you, then.
Sunak waits to see if Britain is that stupid
THE prime minister is eagerly awaiting opinion polls that will reveal whether Britain really is as cretinous as he hopes.
Man disappointed to find MILF not British after noticing continental plug sockets
A MAN is dismayed after identifying a European MILF mislabelled as British when he noticed the two-pin plug sockets above the kitchen counter she was lying on.
Nothing but the courts, the opposition, the cost and a general election can stop me now, laughs power-mad Sunak
THE prime minister, drunk on power, has proudly declared that nothing except several very real hurdles now stand in the way of the Rwanda bill.
Is it a coincidence that everyone suddenly finds the ‘love of their life’ when they’re 35, tired and desperate?
PEOPLE suddenly finding the ‘love of their life’ when they are 35, exhausted and realise they cannot afford to buy a house may not just be a big coincidence, experts have confirmed.
Donald Trump’s guide to styling out a flatulence problem
IT’S claimed that Donald Trump’s long hours in the courtroom are causing him to emit a large amount of anal gas. Here he explains how to minimise the embarrassment in various situations.
This week in Mash History: Londoner discovers places other than London, 1699
MODERN Londoners understand, in theory, there are cities outside London. Some intrepid explorers even visit them and return with wild tales of affordable housing and pints.
Experts confirm best way to work through relationship problems is to ignore them
COUNSELLORS have advised couples suffering issues in their relationships that if they ignore them completely they eventually go away.
Successful young person can f**k right off
A MAN decades younger than you who has already achieved more than you ever will can go and f**k himself, older generations have agreed.
Five drunk middle-aged women caterwauling through song was apparently Spice Girls reunion
A BARMAN at a London club has just found out the five pissed women he watched howl their way through a song was in fact a momentous 90s reunion.
Films so much better than books it’s not even a contest
FILMS have surpassed books as a medium by so many orders of magnitude it is odd that books even exist, it has been agreed.