All camel’s eyes and sheep’s bollocks: The gammon food critic goes Moroccan
I'VE never had much time for the Arabs. Wasting their time racing camels, living in tents in terrorist training camps in the desert and dicking around with magic lamps.
Being in a band, and other things that cease to be cool in your 30s
CERTAIN things are the height of cool when you’re in your teens and 20s. But once you hit 30, they quickly become deeply, deeply tragic. Including these.
Can you guess the Tory MP by their blackmail sex scandal? A fun game for families
EVERYONE loves Conservative MPs and their propensity to stumble into hilarious sex outrages. Gather the family around and match the backbencher to their scandal!
Sean Lennon and James McCartney, and other nepo babies you’re delighted to see fail
THE children of two of The Beatles have released a terrible, insipid single together. Which other nepo-babies are busily ruining their parents’ good names?
A man’s guide to reacting to criticism of Sydney Sweeney as if she’s your girlfriend
A HOLLYWOOD producer has claimed Sydney Sweeney is ‘not pretty and can’t act’. This is obviously a disgusting lie, so here’s how to react like a besotted male.
We ask you: will you go in the shop and buy a 34-year-old cigarettes in two decades’ time?
OUTSIDE the newsagent in the year 2044 lurk two men in their early thirties. They hold up a £40 note and ask you to get them a packet of Silk Cut. Will you?
Woman incorrectly believes she could have back up career on OnlyFans
A WOMAN mistakenly believes that she could make a fortune on OnlyFans if she were to compromise her morals enough to sign up.
Hannah Fry, and the other top candidates to be the thinking man’s crumpet
RANDY intellectual types are on the lookout for a new muse now Rachel Riley has disgraced herself. These are the top candidates in the line of succession.
Man who can’t grow beard not letting that stop him
A MAN who is only able to grow a few wisps of hair from the bottom of his face is not letting it stop him labelling himself as ‘bearded’, it has emerged.
Nicola Peltz, and other celebs so talentless going out with them would be a minefield
NICOLA Peltz, heiress and wife of Brooklyn Beckham, has had her vanity project film utterly demolished by critics. So if you were the partner of a no-talent celeb, how would you avoid the issue?
Long-term sickness: is it as fun as the media make it sound?
MORE than 2.8 million Britons are living it up by being too ill to work, instead revelling in long, lazy days untroubled by responsibility. But is there a downside?
We will give every child a pack of fags on their 15th birthday, says Labour
THE opposition has defied the government’s smoking ban by pledging to give every child a pack of 20 cigarettes on their 15th birthday.
How to absolutely, comprehensively lose your shit if your child doesn’t get their first-choice primary school
YOUR child has been condemned to educational subnormality and a career washing wheelie bins by being denied their first-choice primary. How should you freak out?
Girlfriend marks territory by leaving hair bobbles around boyfriend’s flat
A MAN'S new girlfriend is asserting her presences and scaring away rivals by leaving hair ties in every room of his home.
Rachel Riley’s favourite things to tweet about despite not knowing all the facts
HI! I’m attractive, famous and went to Oxford so I can do no wrong, even when making wild and it transpires incorrect assumptions in tweets. I also opine on these subjects.
Mash Blind Date: will Donald Trump and his lawyer trying to shut him the f**k up find their happy place?
CAN Donald Trump and his own lawyer, who is desperately trying to stop him committing further crimes while on trial for crimes, meet in body and soul?