SONGS aiming for the lucrative Radio 2 playlist have to be bland enough to offend no-one while remaining just about memorable. Here’s how to make your ditty dull enough to soar.
A MAN describing himself as a ‘self-styled’ expert is without doubt a d*ckhead, researchers have confirmed.
CHANCELLOR of the Exchequer Sajid Javid may not know how trade with the EU works, but it doesn’t end there. Here he answers more questions about the world around us.
PEOPLE who have been complaining about the evils of Amazon for years have been forced to admit that the Saudi Arabian Royal family might just have the edge.
BORIS Johnson has promised a points-based immigration after Brexit, but Australia’s got that and they’re still mad racist. Here are a few systems Brexiters would prefer.
INTERESTED in trading C-list status for being an instant right-wing hero and truth-teller? I’ve done it, and so can you by following these tips:
GREGGS have confirmed that there has not been any meat or animal products in their steak bakes since 2005.
A MAN attempting to counsel a female friend after a breakup has run out of platitudes in record time, he has admitted.
FORECASTERS have warned that the current cold weather will continue as long as Britain remains an island betweeen continental Europe and the Atlantic during winter.
YOUR partner’s dieting and you’re trying to be supportive but you’re bloody starving. Here’s how to stuff yourself without getting caught.
A 30 YEAR-OLD woman is about to learn a harsh lesson after failing to undo her hair bun for four days.
‘Why I will not be satisfied until Harry and Meghan’s security has been cancelled and they are kidnapped by Isis’
HARRY and Meghan’s withdrawal from the Royal family has hurt me, a member of the media, personally. And I will not rest until they have no security and have been kidnapped by Isis.
PRODUCERS of the James Bond franchise have confirmed that there will never be a ginger Bond for as long as they have any say in the matter.
AN idiot has convinced himself that life will be difficult for the Duke of Sussex from this point on.
GAY penguins are fantastic, but before you leave your spouse for the comfort of one of these Antarctic sex-symbols, why not take our quiz to see if you’re making the right decision.
A WOMAN who left her reusable flask at home has been coming in late from work with brown lips and stinking of pumpkin spiced latte.
A BMW driver is pretty confident that traffic that pulled over to let an ambulance pass also wanted his progress to be unimpeded.
BIG Ben may not be bonging, but that’s no reason not to celebrate leaving the world’s largest trading bloc on January 31st.
SCIENTISTS have announced the discovery of a fourth takeaway option that is neither Chinese, Indian and pizza.
ARE you determined to waste your life following the problems of two very rich people you don’t know? You might be one of the following idiots.