ITV has announced it will not be replacing The Jeremy Kyle Show, leaving viewers without their fix of voyeuristic mid-morning misery. Fill that void with these:
THE producers of upcoming Bond film No Time To Die have reassured audiences that he will still be the same old offensive ars*hole.
A BOSS has made the tea for the first time this millennium, his office has confirmed.
A MOTHER has gone fully apesh*t crazy about a missing school jumper on a parents’ WhatsApp group, members have confirmed.
A TRAIN station piano has apologised for all of the performances made by attention-seeking twats.
THE media has announced that there will be no ‘album of the decade’ lists this year because no good albums have been released since 2010.
A 31-year-old man has politely asked that you please respect his crazy, utterly idiotic opinions.
ARE you hoping a friend or colleague fancies you? Is the evidence flimsy, but open to interpretation? Talk yourself into it.
THE parents of a 36-year-old software engineer have once again purposefully resisted understanding what he does as a job.
A UNIVERSITY’S campus is to be entirely converted into student living accommodation, it has announced.
MARRIED couples have agreed that mid-sex is the best time to make a little list of everything that needs doing around the house.
A MAN has had the unoriginal idea of making life in prison harsher in ways that would undoubtedly just cause more problems.
MPS have set up a decoy Labour party to keep Jeremy Corbyn harmlessly occupied while someone else takes over, they have revealed.
BECOMING a homeowner is just awful, according to the worst two people you know.
SHIT films are far more enjoyable than actual good films, it has been confirmed.
A MIDDLE-AGED man has asked his favourite bands and music sites to shut the fuck up about all the albums he loved being 20 years old.
A BIG block of extra mature cheddar has proven itself weak and helpless in the face of one fearless man.
A CAT has rejected the chance to go outside, despite having seemed incredibly keen to do so.
RIDERLESS bicycles free of dangerous knobheads in lycra will soon be a reality, scientists believe.
IN an act of unprecedented generosity, Britain’s train companies have confirmed they will never set fire to your house.