1. BORIS Johnson is an untrustworthy bag of guts who feels, whereas this is a chihuahua called Ian who would not break up the UK or shout at his girlfriend.
A LIFT engineer has confirmed that the ‘close doors’ button does absolutely f*ck all.
A COUPLE who tried to make a 'fast, easy mid-week supper recipe' from the Guardian recipe are still cooking it almost eight days later.
A 36 YEAR-old man who used a generous dose of washing up liquid in his dishwasher has vowed to carry on looking after himself.
HEAVY metal. We all love it but only the brave few would lay their lives on the line for it. Are you one of them?
A WOMAN woman is still using two separate products to clean and condition her hair like some kind of arsehole, it has emerged.
SINGER-songwriter Ed Sheeran has already ruined music, Game of Thrones and ketchup but cannot decide what to wreck next.
A GROUP of ex-colleagues has met up to compare notes about the dire fates they hope have befallen the worst people from their old company.
THE Conservative MP accused of assaulting a Greenpeace protester has apologised to fellow dinner guests for not using lethal force.
ADORABLE babies wake up screaming far more frequently and loudly than their uglier peers, researchers have found.
YOU’RE sitting alone, stroking a cat, plotting the destruction of Britain. But are you a member of the Conservative party or just a blameless Bond villain? Find out:
THE dead wood – women, people of colour, wets, nutters – has been whittled away. But who will be the last ever Conservative in Downing Street?
BRITONS have realised that there is no theoretical limit to the size of the television they would buy.
THE UK has demanded that confirmation that Boris Johnson will be prime minister be delayed to around 1.30am on Saturday.
A WOMAN who walked into a building full of young people working on Macbooks on wooden tables is unsure whether she should buy a coffee or ask for start-up funding.
POLITICIAN? Looking to get news exposure but unwilling to answer questions? Go for a run the minute you see the cameras arrive, following these rules:
THE worst person you have ever met is once again posting images with inspirational quotes over them on your social media feed.
A MAN’S attempt to use a proudly independent record shop and cafe near his home was regretted within moments of walking in, he has confirmed.
MICHAEL Gove and Rory Stewart are to stop being victims and show that big blonde bully what for, they have confirmed.
A MAN’S plans to get himself a beach-ready six-pack in time for summer have been postponed until August at the absolute latest.