Boris Johnson’s first grovelling call to the White House: A transcript
THE prime minister will be wasting no time sucking up to newly sworn-in president Joe Biden. Here is a transcript of their first conversation today.
The Brexiter’s guide to contradicting yourself
DO you worry that your arguments sometimes conflict with what you said moments earlier? Don’t worry - here Brexiter Martin Bishop explains how to hold two contradictory views.
Insurer disgusted by suggestion it might have to ‘pay out’ over floods
AN insurance company is horrified by the suggestion that it might ‘pay out’ to ‘claimants’ on its ‘policies’.
Your guide to the dangers of working from bed
CELEBS like Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen and Keeley Hawes have revealed they like to work from bed. But what are the hidden dangers? Here is a guide every homeworker should read.
Warhammer, Doctor Who and Judge Dredd obsessive sees himself as a ‘triple threat’
AN expert in three fields of geek subculture thinks of himself as a ‘triple threat’ to both fellow dorks and the hearts of women.
Three big houses in Grimsby, and other things you could buy for the price of a London property
THE average house price in London is now £500,000 and that will only bag you a pokey little flat. Here are some better ways to spend your money.
Remembering four years of bullshit: take our commemorative Trump quiz
HE’S without doubt the greatest president ever, beating even Richard Nixon and George W. Bush. But what do you remember about Trump’s four years at the helm?
What to do if you’re a British crab who can’t get to the EU
POST-BREXIT, plucky British crabs are being refused entry to the EU because of petty rules about live animal imports that prove we were right to leave. What could they do?
Home-schooling mum reporting herself to Ofsted
A MOTHER attempting to teach her children at home has reported herself to Ofsted as ‘inadequate’.
The QAnon supporter’s guide to pretending it’s not all bollocks
ARE your ludicrous QAnon conspiracy theories crumbling around you as Trump leaves office? Here’s how to pretend you expected this all along.
Cocky motorists to drive into unexpectedly deep floods
BRITAIN’S idiot drivers have vowed to try their luck at driving through floodwater after having a guess at how deep it is.
How to live like a king on your extra £20 of Universal Credit
THE £20-per-week rise in Universal Credit for the pandemic cannot last forever, because we do not deserve it. Here’s how to flash that cash while it lasts.
How to make everything into a drama, by a three year-old
YOGHURT the wrong way round? Given a spoon you don’t like? Make it into a massive drama with this handy guide.
‘Gwyneth fanny candle explosion’ is a sentence that makes sense in 2021
THE sentence ‘Gwyneth fanny candle explosion’ is one that makes perfect sense to people in the dystopia of 2021.
Lil Wayne, Joe Exotic, Lee Harvey Oswald: Trump reveals his pardon list
I HAVE been treated so unfairly by this country. So, so unfairly. It’s really a tragedy how badly they’ve treated your favourite president, and also these guys.
Jabs Army, and the other ways the pandemic has become a World War Two nostalgia wank
IT wouldn’t be a national emergency if Britain didn’t get misty-eyed about World War Two. Here’s how we’re shoehorning memories of clobbering Hitler into 2021.
Man recognises individual blades of grass in local park
A MAN is so familiar with his local park that he can tell blades of grass apart from one another, he has confirmed.
Six twatty things Trump can do today before f**king off
DONALD Trump has just 24 hours left in office. What final anti-democratic asshole acts can he squeeze in before he finally departs?
‘Go to the factory and ask’: a grandparent’s guide to finding a job
UNEMPLOYED? Made the mistake of admitting this to your elderly relatives? Read grandparent Roy Hobbs’s guide to thriving in a depressed job market.
Are you thick or are the schools having a f**king laugh? Take our quiz
THE return of homeschooling has once again seen educated, high-earning professionals wondering if they are actually shit-thick. Take our quiz and find out.
