THE Queen has issued an official statement denying that she has ever met disgraced former trade envoy Prince Andrew.
IT'S not long until scenes of drunken carnage begin to unfold on 4 July. But are you properly prepared to be an obnoxious, antisocial dick on 'Super Saturday'?
THIRSTY souls who charge out for their first pub binge in months on Saturday will be unconscious by mid-afternoon, experts have confirmed.
THE last British mum who dutifully corrects her children’s Americanisms has finally given up.
BORIS Johnson has promised to ‘build build build’ more affordable homes, which are bound to be tiny new flats you still can’t afford. Here’s what property developers have in mind.
AS pubs reopen, Nigel Farage has got back to the daily grind of being photographed holding a pint and grinning like a twat.
A MAN gets a tiresome thrill from never expressing a single reasonable opinion about anything, people have noticed.
THE government has outlined its new half-arsed rules for reopening schools which are impossible to follow and will be ignored. But what are they?
ARE you locked in a video call power struggle with your colleagues? Here’s how to navigate the nest of vipers you work with from the comfort of your own home.
WHAT’S the secret to becoming obscenely rich, apart from being born already rich and knowing lots of other rich people? Here are my tips.
LEICESTER has demanded that the confusing local lockdown rules should be translated into its impenetrable dialect.
SCIENTISTS have called for tests to locate those who still think Brexit is going to be great, so that they can be isolated from the rest of society.
DOMINIC Cummings has suggested detonating a nuclear device in Leicester city centre to surgically remove coronavirus from the Midlands.
A WOMAN who has entertained her children in her own home for four months would give anything to ignore them in a soft play centre for two hours.
A KEEN-EYED boyfriend has spotted that the top of his partner’s hair has, over the last four months, changed to a different colour than the rest of it.
MARKS & Spencer has reported a massive spike in middle-class twats buying overpriced ready meals and bland clothing.
WITH illegal raves making a comeback, middle-aged dads can earn kudos from their teenage kids by claiming they were at the heart of the 90s dance scene.
MILLIONS of holidaymakers who had booked breaks in Leicester will be staying at home as the summer hotspot faces extended lockdown.
AIR bridges mean that holidaying abroad is back on, so beet-red patriot Roy Hobbs explains how to make the most of two weeks in countries full of foreign bastards.
LEICESTER is no longer a city – it is a prison. But have you got what it takes to make it out?