‘The females don their cock deely-boppers for the ritual to commence’: Sir David Attenborough narrates a hen party
NATURALIST, naturist and national treasure Sir David Attenborough has turned his analytical eye to the brutal and feral rituals of the hen party.
Your astrological week ahead for March 30th, with Psychic Bob
It’s not just Easter eggs you should keep away from dogs. They should also be discouraged from consuming an entire Simnel cake.
Atheists unable to explain how evolution could make egg-laying bunny
ATHEISTS who reject religious doctrine have admitted nothing in their precious science can provide an explanation for the existence of the Easter Bunny.
We ask you: when should Rishi Sunak get his arse kicked at a general election?
THE prime minister has been accused of chickening out of calling a general election by Labour. When should he go to the country and lose?
The Archbishop of Canterbury on… the Tories’ fish-and-chip bullshit
WAKING in John O’ Groats, after having aided my repose with several bottles of malt whisky, I reflect on the events that led me to isolation in the far North.
The second-last temptation of Christ was banoffee pie
JESUS has confirmed that his last temptation was to escape sacrifice, live as an ordinary man and raise a family, but the temptation previous to that was banoffee pie.
Children at state schools fling dung for a living. My nice children deserve better
IF your child attends a comprehensive school, you have given up on them. You have decided hosing shit off roads for a job is all they can aspire to. And I respect that.
Six knobheads that will never reply to your message
ARE you a grump for suspecting your message will be ignored as you press ‘send’? No, because you’re contacting one of these feckless bastards.
King lays groundwork for scabbing a tenner
THE King’s call for kindness is a pretext for asking everyone to lend him ten pounds, it has emerged.
Thames Water also full of shit
THAMES Water is just as full as shit as the river it is named after and is responsible for pumping human excrement into, analysts have advised.
John Lennon, and other celebrities who would be nightmare boomers if they were alive today
CAN you imagine the famously gobby John Lennon if he had been let loose on Twitter? Here are more dead celebs who would have trashed their legacy by now if they were still with us.
‘Suck it till your hymen pops’: Subtle clues that P Diddy had unsavoury views toward women
SEAN ‘Diddy’ Combs is facing serious accusations including holding 'sex-trafficking parties'. But was there already reason to suspect he might not be a staunch defender of women?
We ask you: how are you celebrating raw sewage spills doubling in a year?
BRITAIN’S water companies have spilled record amounts of raw sewage into our rivers and seas, proving the doubters wrong. How are you thanking them?
Man unsure if he had nice evening or was just drunk
A MAN is unsure whether he had a great time last night or if he was just pissed, it has emerged.
Man shocked to learn his friends are having kids on purpose
A MAN is stunned to discover that his friends are at an age where they are actively having children on purpose, it has emerged.
Bookshelf now source of more guilt than pleasure
BRITONS have admitted that their shelves are stuffed full of books they have bought but will not read because watching telly is easier.
Papa John’s, and other chains with too much American bollocks for Britain
PIZZA chain Papa John’s is closing a tenth of its outlets in the UK, and the twee American name must surely have something to do with it. Here are some more with too much colonial nonsense.