The prime minister has dared to suggest that Britain would benefit from closer ties with the EU and, oddly, a nation which just seven years ago had a critical mass of No Deal nutters has not risen up in revolt against him.

Sun journalist Nathan Muir said: “What happened? They can’t all have died. At least seven per cent were relatively young and healthy.

“And it can’t be that they’ve looked rationally at the benefits Brexit has delivered and changed their minds, because these were not rational people. Facts made them angry.

“But we’re trawling areas of high deprivation – Stoke-on-Trent, Lincolnshire, the whole of the North-East – and coming back with nothing. The passion’s gone. The best we’re getting are a few old crocks muttering about not wanting to go through all that again.”

Hannah Tomlinson of Newsnight said: “It’s standard BBC practice to include a couple of raving lunatics for balance and then imply they’re the voice of the people, but where are they? Surely they’ve not all become Reform councillors.

“Unless the whole 2016-2019 period was mass hysteria orchestrated by actors on social media. But no. Believe that, and you’ll start believing Boris Johnson wasn’t real.”

Having tried its luck on the international market only to find that everyone is insane or incompatible, the UK is acting like randomly texting its ex without warning to see if it is down for a hook-up is no big deal.

The UK said: “Hey stranger. How’s it going? I saw the Schengen Area looking really hot on the news so I thought I’d say hi. Can’t blame a guy for shooting his shot haha.

“Yeah, been rolling with my subcontinental Asian crew, but missed your vibe. All that taking back control stuff? I’m over that, and tbh the fishing quotas I was so hot for have been underwhelming. It’s okay though. I forgive you for letting me walk out.

“Sure, I’ve signed some pretty steamy trade deals with New Zealand and India since we split, but I kept thinking of you. Our federation. Remember how crazy I used to get about banning bendy bananas? You can’t fake that chemistry.

“I’m free this weekend, babygirl. Why don’t I come over to Brussels, we can go out for dinner and see what happens? I’ll even try that Euro thing you’ve always wanted me to do.”

The EU said: “Why is there a nude selfie of a man in glasses? What? That’s the UK? F**k they’ve let themselves go.”

After the prime minister told a podcast that Russia interfered with the Brexit referendum, you called your parents only for them to confirm they are Soviet-era sleeper agents who have been living under false identities since 1983.

Your mother said: “I’m just glad the truth is out, dear. For the last decade everyone’s believed the horrible smear that we voted to leave because we’re racist.

“No, what actually happened was we’ve been here in Buntingford since being transferred from Moscow by Andropov, to infiltrate the British state. That’s why your father was so high up in the Rotary Club that he was their Santa for a record 17 years.

“They didn’t give us any specific guidelines on how to subvert the West after Andropov died and the Soviet era ended, so we sort of extended our tendrils into instruments of the state by signing up for an allotment and doing am-dram.

“Anyway, you could have knocked us down with a feather in 2016 when our secret radio crackled into life and it was Putin, telling us to vote leave and push for a no-deal Brexit to weaken the EU and destabilise NATO! We were so pleased. It’s nice to feel useful.

“No hard feelings love, it’s just that capitalism is a dehumanising system designed to reduce the individual to a cog in a consumerist machine. Yes, I know we grounded you when you said that at sixth form, but that was for cover.”

She added: “Are you coming over on Sunday? Your dad’s doing a leg of lamb.”

The Green Party leader’s failure in the Holborn and St Pancras by-election follows self-employed plumber Hannah Spencer’s victory in the Gorton and Denton by-election earlier this year and has made him feel an utter dick.

Joseph Turner of Kentish Town said: “Yeah, sorry Zack. We’ve all been there. I thought I was doing well in life until I had to get a tap fixed in my studio apartment.

“The plumber swaggered in, ignored completely that I was reading Thomas Piketty’s Capital, said ‘Didn’t realise these had been turned into bedsits’ and proceeded to show off his knowledge of pipes while ignoring my evident shame.

“Further conversation revealed he had a Fulham season ticket while I watch games at the pub, he drove a van while I have a Lime bike subscription, and he lived in a four-bedroom Georgian townhouse while I live in the attic of one.

“So I know exactly how Zack feels. I spent the next 18 hours with my face in my hands repeating ‘I’ve failed at everything’ over and over again too.”

Hannah Spencer, member for Gorton and Denton, said: “Oh dear. They don’t take it well, those types. I could offer him 20 per cent off for cash?”

Across Britain, voters are examining the flagship policy, relating it to their own circumstances and finding that the two have f**k all relation to each other.

Norman Steele of Lancaster said: “So this only applies on homes over £325,000 which aren’t being left to children? Well, that rules out me and everyone I know.

“Also, I don’t know if she saw the prime minister’s speech about his grandmother’s home going entirely to her care? Regardless of whether you agree with his solution, it’s a thing that happens a lot and means a tax-free inheritance of bugger all.

“Doesn’t really feel like I’m the outlier. I guess I should be living in the South East, own a massive property, have all my care in old age provided by my loving family and expire peacefully in my own bed. Seems a lot of effort just to get some benefit from the Tories.”

Bar owner Ellie Shaw said: “It’s good that dowager aunts who die leaving mysterious fortunes to long-lost relatives in difficult circumstances will no longer be taxed, especially if you’re living in a Dickens novel.

“I personally stand to inherit a terraced house in Kettering, a collection of ugly Lladro figures and a 2018 Citroen C3.”

The ‘Kemi bounce’

Kemi Badenoch has been credited with a minor improvement in Tory polling, so this may influence your vote. Frankly she’s still pretty useless, but to right-wingers maybe listening to a weird, arrogant, hectoring woman is a wonderful trip down memory lane to the halcyon days of Thatcher?

The death penalty 

Whether Britain’s relatively small number of murderers are dead rather than in prison is vitally important to right-wing voters. It’s not policy for the Tories or even Reform, but Restore Britain is offering a referendum on it, and they always go well. What’s more, they’re so bonkers you can’t rule out them opting for public beheadings or fights to the death with wild animals.

Nigel has lost some of his shine

That £5 million gift has definitely damaged Farage’s ‘cheeky chappie’ image for a lot of voters, and you may feel the same. Although it’s strange that you’ve only just realised that someone who likes racist campaign posters, Hitler Youth songs and lying like a bastard about Brexit is an arsehole.

Tactical voting 

Restore has lots of excellent policies like mass deportations, but can they win in your constituency? If you want self-serving right-wingers to rule Britain incompetently, the rational choice may have to be the Conservatives. But sometimes you’ve just got to vote for what you believe in, such as taking down LGBTQ+ flags before their psychic emissions turn you into a ladyboy.

Golliwogs

It’s disgraceful that no party has an official pro-golliwog stance, but your best option on this important issue is Reform, because they, and their forerunner UKIP, were always getting into trouble over dolls you don’t really need to own unless you’re a racist.

The Britannia Shield 

Gammons get hard at the thought of military hardware, so £10 billion-worth of phallic missiles is a good reason to vote Tory, and the name is superb too. Really the Tories are most likely to be in a position to buy more weapons, and Rishi Sunak actually did. So choose them if you’re gagging to see more Challenger tanks with powerful 130mm armour-piercing penis substitutes.

Shafting yourself

All right-wing voters are obsessed with low tax and can’t grasp that the tax-funded NHS, nationalised utilities or Burnham’s ‘free’ social care might be cheaper for them than the alternatives. Vote for Farage on this one, as he hates paying tax and would introduce private health insurance in a second for a dodgy donation. Then you can pay £10,000 for spraining your ankle and complain that you didn’t vote for this.

Jeffrey Archer was born to humble beginnings in Weston-super-Mare in West Somerset, last year renamed Jeffrey-super-Archer in his honour. He was able to speak fluent English at three months old and wrote his first novel aged one.

He attended Wellington College in Berkshire where he far outshone fellow pupils Sir Christopher Lee and James Hunt, once besting them both in a combined acting-motor racing contest during which he also wrote two novels.

He was then admitted to Brasenose College, Oxford, though modestly under a false name which has allowed liars to claim he wasn’t there at all. In fact he was made a Don in his first week and won the boat race single-handed while writing a trilogy.

Elected as a Conservative MP aged 29, he was quickly recognised as the party’s unofficial leader until forced to step down by bankruptcy. Unbowed, he wrote a novel about it and this time deigned to release it for publication. It made £4,080 million pounds.

After writing several further novels, each of which outsold the Bible and were better than anything by Shakespeare, Archer gracefully agreed to re-enter politics on condition Margaret Thatcher was elected prime minister. Grateful voters rushed to comply.

In 1986, frustrated by government red tape, Archer took his urge to help others to the streets by giving a prostitute £2,000 to begin a new life abroad. A mix-up led to a libel case Archer won handily and his wife Mary was named Pin-Up of the Year by The Sun.

A few loose ends from this case later saw Archer volunteer to go to prison for four years in solidarity with the wrongly accused. While there he wrote more best-selling novels than his accusers would ever write, quelled a riot, solved six crimes and won Crufts.

Following his release he retired, became Mayor of London, spearheaded a successful coup in Equatorial Guinea, raised £22 billion for Kurdish charities, invented the ‘short story’ and created a new form of life. He is survived by his penthouse overlooking the Thames.

Concerned by how their recent gains could result in them actually taking a role in government and implementing their policies, the party decided to take a hardline approach to Zionism in order to make that virtually impossible.

A Green Party spokesperson said: “Being an alternative party is an easy gig. Nobody expects anything from you and you hold the moral high ground by default, it’s great.

“We were perfectly happy with our cushy lifestyle of bombing in local elections and being a punchbag for the Mail. But suddenly people other than students and residents of Brighton were paying attention, scrutinising Zack’s council tax etcetera, and we weren’t keen.

“When we got that plumber in up North, we had as many MPs as Reform and were being taken a fifth as seriously. We weren’t ready. No matter how extreme our policies on recreational drug use, a hardcore were still prepared to vote for us.

“Luckily there’s always Israel. So we went Kanye West just before Zack’s by-election, freeing him from the burden of representing the people of Holborn and St Pancras and ourselves from having to save the planet and scrap tuition fees. Phew.”

Party leader Zak Polanski warned: “If this doesn’t work I’ve got some views on trans rights locked and loaded. Don’t make me use them.”

Being the underdogs again

People always root for the underdog and countless examples spring to mind: Rocky Balboa, Britain in 1940, and perhaps most famously the Rebels in Star Wars. Although the films might not be as popular if the Rebellion had creepy billionaire backers and Luke was a gammon. 

The rich vein of EU comedy 

How we all laughed at stupid EU rules. They thought HAIR DRYERS were a deadly threat! They wouldn’t let children BLOW UP BALLOONS, for Christ’s sake! It was funny because it was true, or in the latter case, completely made up by Boris Johnson, a morally repulsive exploiter of dunces who they laughably believed would go for a pint with them.

Refusing to join the EU army 

Remember the lovely sanctimonious fury of ranting about your children being conscripted into the EU army? Now you can experience it again! Hopefully the EU will hurry up with actually creating this force, as they don’t even seem to have designed the uniforms yet.

All your favourite Brexit stars can come back 

Like a 5ive reunion tour, Brexiteers who’ve not had any hits recently can return for some much-needed gigs. Boris, obviously, Dominic Cummings, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Kate Hoey, that guy in the Union Jack suit, the ever-popular Michael Gove. And of course the fit blonde woman iconically photographed in Sunderland. Assuming she’s not one of the 57 per cent opposed now. 

Having a good moan

It was hard not to suspect that most Leavers were people who loved a good moan, and Brexit was a change from the weather and prices in Asda. With the EU ruling Britain again, you can get back to endlessly whining about ‘Eurocrats’, fishing quotas and vacuum cleaners. Bliss!

Slagging young people

Brexiters never tired of telling us that older people like them knew more than naive youthful snowflakes. Obviously serious analysis shows a hit of at least six per cent to the economy and other ‘slow puncture’ problems as predicted. But ageing Brexiters were too thick to realise they were wrong then and they’re still too thick now, so they can kid themselves they’re wise elders again.

Identifying traitors

There’s nothing healthier than making rabid accusations of treachery and encouraging the mob to turn on traitors like judges, especially gay ones. Who knows, perhaps we can have actual public lynchings and hangings this time? Lineker has evaded justice for too long.

Burnham carefully considered the costs of social care, the importance of the triple-lock, and the number of 82-year-olds who spend all day complaining to their budgies about ‘them Asians down the chemist’ before deciding he had little to lose.

He explained: “These policies aren’t for the elderly. It’s for the generation below eyeing up their four-bedroom house in Poynton.

“We’ve had 16 years of pandering to old people who don’t like that it isn’t 1958 anymore, and do they appreciate it? Do they f**k. They gave us the Tories, they gave us Brexit and now they’re bloody furious about the consequences of the Tories and Brexit.

“I could have doubled their pensions and they’d still vote for Nigel because he ‘seems such a lovely man’ and ‘is so smart he could be a presenter on Bargain Hunt’. Going forward, we’ll be pursuing policies on the sole basis that they’ll piss the old off.

“We’ll be producing a new pound coin so fiddly they can’t find it, putting them in segregated queues at Post Offices and introducing a new tax on condensed milk. And if that pushes them all the way to Restore, so much the better.”

Margaret Gerving, aged 82, said: “He is scruffy isn’t he, that new one. And I think the young ones would like fascism if only they gave it a try.”

Following up on yesterday’s speech, Andy Burnham has told young people that their pensions will be liberated from the clunky metaphorical locks which have weighed down previous generations by giving them a viable income.

He said: “Yesterday was just the beginning. If you survive a lifetime of meaningless toil then I can promise that your pension will only stretch to a one-off purchase of a Doritos grab bag and a can of Monster Pipeline Punch.

“Locks sound scary and gatekeeping, and you young people are triggered by that sort of thing. You’ll lap it up if we give them a progressive-sounding name like ‘ethically unencumbered finances’ and promise there’s been no investment in arms manufacturing.

“Besides, triple locks and cushy pensions are boomer shit. Why follow in their problematic, Brexit-voting footsteps when you can work until death? That’ll silence all cries of ‘lazy snowflakes’!

“You won’t have any financial security, but at least you’ll get to share a council house with your mates. It’ll be like an episode of Friends.”

32-year-old Tom Booker said: “My pension plan is an early death. And I’m putting everything into it.”

Water

Burnham wants to take away your right to pay a private monopoly to demand bailouts to do its job and pass any fines directly to you. Luckily, newspapers know the real disaster would be going back to the dark days of nationalised water, when taps only worked one day in ten and drinking it gave you the shits. Don’t Google that.

Social care

A National Care Service is the sort of crackpot Marxist idea that could never work in real life, except Scotland. The only way to provide old age care is a morbid lottery in which you win a house if your parents die promptly and the worst people in the world set up care homes.

Buses

Red Andy is already allowing the state to ruthlessly control private bus operators, so expect a National Bus Service soon. Stalin’s Russia had nationalised buses, so it’s easy to imagine a world in which Burnham’s NKVD put a pistol to your neck and summarily execute you for saying that the 86 to Thetford is late.

Electricity

Municipal electricity will be of poor quality and unfashionable, not like cool private sector electricity with all the latest features like amperes. If you use state electricity, your lights will flicker, your television will only have three channels and your children will be bullied at school.

Housing

Burnham wants to build massive council estates directly outside your lovely detached home. All you’ll see from your floor-to-ceiling windows are abandoned fridges, burning cars and feral rat children defecating on your begonias.

Railways

Burnham wants to rob us of the cancellations and broken toilets that are as much a part of the British way of life as Sunday roasts with Rudyard Kipling. And what happens when there are delays regardless? Burnham’s evil socialist spell will be broken and he’ll be voted out, Reform will abolish democracy and we’ll all be so much happier.

As even Tories begin to doubt the wisdom of making the least productive sector of UK society the richest, the country is preparing for a hate campaign against these beige leeches from which they will never recover.

Hannah Tomlinson of Hitchin said: “As a millennial, I’ve already spent years whipping up online mobs against anyone older than me with incorrect opinions. I couldn’t be readier.

“And these grey-haired f**ks, squatting in their big houses squandering NHS resources while lapping up racist AI content and voting as far right as they’re physically able? They’ve had it coming for a long f**king time.

“They make me sick with their their winter fuel payments and their uncritical adoration of Richard Osman. Our country’s going bankrupt so they can go to over-60s Aquafit and buy bedding plants? F**king boomers. Kill them all and cancel Call The Midwife.”

22-year-old Jordan Gardner agreed: “They’re dead weight, and now we’re introducing a new tax just for their care? Bollocks to that. Instead of bringing their care workers over here, how about we ship the lot of them to Rwanda? And further.”

Prime minister Andy Burnham said: “Well, this is most fortuitous in terms of budgets for the next three years.”

Margaret Gerving, retired headteacher: “I would ban them from eating cakes, or at least cakes with enough sugar and fat content to taste pleasant. They’re allowed iced fingers or Cuthbert the Caterpillar.”

Norman Steele, arcade supervisor: “If you have no income and want to masturbate, you should be forced to monetise it. Do it for our amusement online or not at all.”

Donna Sheridan, bird trapper: “It seems short-sighted stopping them gambling. A lot of these people are close to that one big win that will get them off benefits forever.”

Helen Archer, lens grinder: “Banning cigarettes but not vaping. Wow. The Tories really are out of touch with the long-term benefits claimant on the Midlands sink estate.”

Mary Fisher, art auctioneer: “I see these benefits people on the latest iPhone, toting Birkin bags, driving their Rolls-Royces. So I would ban them from buying iPhones, Birkin bags and Rolls-Royces.”

He knows about the Chagos Islands

When reminded, Trump is reliably furious the UK made such a bad deal on the Chagos Islands. He would have made a far better one, like he did with Iran or Canada. If negotiations are re-opened, it will transpire that Trump’s idea of a good deal is ‘the Chagos Islands are given to America. $350m compensation paid personally to Trump’.

He knows about immigration

Andy Burnham was, without doubt, berated by Trump for allowing immigration into the UK and what’s more allowing it over the last 50 years. He won’t have needed to respond. It was only a precursor to lengthy bragging about how the US has closed the borders and a subsequent tribute to the brilliance of one man, delivered by that man.

He knows about windmills

The third and final thing Trump knows about Britain is that it has windmills, and he hates windmills. He hates the way they might overshadow his golf course if he built one near it, he hates them not being oil, and he hates them for killing birds. Also, he may ban diesel exports from the US and if it cripples our economy that’s our problem.

He has forgotten about Brexit

To Trump, Brexit was an event that reflected well on Trump. It was never clear why. Over time, he naturally began to claim that Brexit was entirely his work while still not understanding what it was. Today? It’s as forgotten as anything else that happened in the last decade apart from the election being stolen. He remembers that.

He has forgotten that Scotland is part of the UK

Trump loves Scotland because he owns property there and because he thinks of it as a wonderful haven of white people. He visited it just a fortnight ago, except that was Ireland and he’s forgotten that’s a separate place too. If he was told Scotland was joining the UK, he would proclaim it a very good idea. And his idea.

He has forgotten Nigel Farage

Who wouldn’t? This is some guy who got a picture with you in 2016 wearing a blue suit and told you he was the next prime minister, but five prime ministers later still isn’t. There is not a synapse in Trump’s collapsing brain that remembers a single thing about Nigel Farage. His name, his face, nothing. He is so much luckier than us.

David Cameron, in office 2010-2016

I didn’t actually meet him as PM, because I gambled and lost and completely f**ked up Britain for decades so resigned before he got elected, but I went to Mar-a-Lago as foreign secretary. Try to meet him outside, or in a large room, or take a deep breath before entering the room. The stench. It is something else.

Theresa May, in office 2016-2019

I got on marvellously well with President Trump because I did all the talking. We even held hands. Is that the hand which has the dark bruise on it that won’t heal and from which he seems to be rotting from the inside? Yes. Sorry about that. It’s due to my ancient curse.

Boris Johnson, in office 2019-2022

Trump and I were like brothers: rule-breaking, norm-ignoring, woman-groping self-aggrandising partners in crime who knew we’d always be able to get away with anything. Unfortunately, as others have since learned, that turned out to be true of him but not me. So don’t fall for that, Andy. If he offers to let you kill a hooker, say no.

Liz Truss, in office 2022-2022

I never got to meet Trump because of the Woke Blob conspiracy against me, and haven’t been able to since because he won’t. It’s crucial, therefore, for Burnham to tell Trump he is not the legitimate prime minister, that Liz Truss rightly rules Albion and it is the will of the people for her to be installed in a military coup to save the West.

Rishi Sunak, in office 2022-2024

I actually avoided meeting Donald Trump for reasons I’m confident I don’t have to go into. It wouldn’t have gone well. First the bafflement, then the anger, then asking ‘Does my good friend King Charles know this Indian guy’s saying he’s prime minister?’ It’s one of the reasons I’m glad I left. That, and running Britain’s a shit job.

Keir Starmer, in office 2024-2026

You’ve actually got the f**king nerve to ask me? You kicked me out of Downing Street for piss all and then come to me for advice? Go f**k yourself. Tell him a f**king Northern anecdote about being f**king Northern, I don’t give a shit. I’ll be in my mother’s donkey sanctuary taking out my frustrations on the beasts.

Conscious that members are openly questioning his leadership skills, Davey arrived at the Liberal Democrat conference in Brighton ready to take on the big issues and unafraid to make difficult arguments, while dangling from a zipwire obviously.

Davey said: “My political future is at stake. I’ve left the inflatable unicorn at home, along with the light-up bowtie which turns into a drone and flies around the room.

“The Lib Dems need to get their act together. The era of two-party politics is over, but the media doesn’t treat us as if we have 14 times as many members as Reform. This zipline entrance is the entrance of a new, hard-hitting Ed.

“Could I have arrived by walking? Think of the optics. We can’t be seen to U-turn on our key policy of ceaselessly indulging in childish gimmicks to get media attention. The pogo stick will come out at some point, rest assured.

“But for now it’s a new Ed Davey. An Ed Davey the country has no choice but to take seriously. An Ed Davey who, unlike other politicians, rides a 220ft zipline with nary a whoop.”

Party member Donna Sheridan said: “Now other parties won’t mock us. Especially when Ed announces our new position on trans rights by opening his flies and firing a blue, pink and silver glitter cannon from his crotch.”