Politics

Shit dance totally works

A FUCKING awful dance has completely succeeded in distracting from the vapid reassurances and outright lies of Theresa May’s speech, Britain has confirmed.

May to bring out goat dressed as Boris Johnson then strangle it

THE prime minister is to enliven her speech by bringing out a goat dressed as Boris Johnson then strangling it. 

You do know we vote, say middle-class coke users

MIDDLE-CLASS cocaine users targeted by the government have politely reminded them that they vote in every election and usually swing Tory. 

Tory conference enters Guinness Book of Records for most bastards in one place

THE Conservative party conference has won a place in The Guinness Book of Records for fitting the largest number of total bastards into one location.

Which of the Tories' big conference ideas are you?

THE Conservative party conference is here, and with it a whole load of incredibly shit ideas. But which of these panicked regurgitations of Thatcherism are you? 

Northern Powerhouse downgraded to Northern Outhouse

THE government has decided the North does not need a Northern Powerhouse and can make do with a new toilet instead.

UK can't understand why May announcing vote-winning plan to slash corporation tax quietly in New York

BRITAIN cannot see why Theresa May is announcing plans to slash corporation tax, sure to be acclaimed by ordinary voters, discreetly in New York. 

Labour to give employees shares in company they f**king hate

LABOUR have announced their new policy to give all employees shares in the businesses they work for, despise and want to see destroyed.