Labour Chief Whip Defends Pet Cheetah

NICK Brown, the Labour chief whip, has defended his £19,000 food bill, insisting it is not cheap to feed a pet cheetah these days.

Bunch Of Shits Turn On Chief Shit

MICHAEL Martin, the Chief Shit, was clinging to office last night amid a growing revolt by all the other stinking turds.

MPs Call For Ban On Huge, Irresistible Televisions

MPs from all parties last night demanded a ban on the gigantic, irresistible, state of the art television sets at the root of the House of Commons expenses scandal.

Question Time Audience Marches On London

THE audience from BBC1's Question Time was marching on London last night, parading the severed head of housing minister Margaret Beckett on a pike, like some kind of ghoulish mascot.

MP Becomes First Ever Person To Forget He Had Paid Off His Mortgage

LABOUR MP Elliot Morley was last night confirmed as the first person in the history of the world to forget he had paid off his mortgage.

Sorry Brown Gets Buck Naked

THE war of political apologies escalated last night as prime minister Gordon Brown pledged all his clothes to a charity shop and began wandering about in the buff.

Top Tory Claims For Drawbridge Wax

THE Tories last night proved they have still got it after it was revealed that a senior MP claimed more than £2000 for drawbridge wax and moat freshener.

It's The System That's A Piece-Of-Shit, Thieving Bastard, Say MPs

THE system of parliamentary expenses is a corrupt, scum-sucking, piece-of-shit, bastarding thief, MPs insisted last night.

Brown Engulfed By Expenses Scandal As Power Passes To Joanna Lumley

GORDON Brown was prime minister in name only last night as the machinery of state was transferred to New Avengers actress Joanna Lumley.

Brown To Regain Initiative By Admitting Schools Are Rubbish

GORDON Brown is hoping to regain the political initiative today by confirming that Britain's schools are so much worse than they used to be.

A Guide To The People You Don't Care About In Labour's Civil War

AS Gordon Brown fights for his political life the Daily Mash brings you a guide to the key players in the tumultuous battle for the heart and soul of the Labour party. No, we don't really give a shit either.

Rampant Gurkhas Will Chop Your Head Off, Warns Brown

PRIME minister Gordon Brown has warned of large piles of severed heads if thousands of tiny Gurkhas are given the right to live in the UK.