Politics

Brown To Appoint Milburn As 'Cabinet Enemy'

GORDON Brown will appoint Alan Milburn as his official Enemy in Cabinet when he takes over as Prime Minister next week.

Scots Tories Back Referendum On Existence Of Scots Tory Party

SENIOR Tories last night backed a referendum on whether the Scottish Conservative Party is real or a figment of Annabel Goldie's imagination.

Blair Announces Plans For Beard

PRIME minister Tony Blair has outlined his plans for a full beard when he leaves office at the end of this month. 

Stewart Stevenson Inducted Into Muppet Hall Of Fame

TRANSPORT minister Stewart Stevenson has become the first member of the Scottish Parliament to be inducted into the Muppet Hall of Fame.

'Cameron In Tebbit Shed Orgy' Says Tory Press Release

DAVID Cameron was last night forced to deny claims that he presided over elaborate sex games in the garden shed of former Tory chairman Lord Tebbit.

Blair Tells Gaddaffi: Salmond Is A Dick

TONY Blair and the Libyan dictator Colonel Gaddafi yesterday reached an historic agreement over the fact that Alex Salmond is a dick.

Queen Sets Attack Dogs On 'Ghastly Salmond Fellow'

ALEX Salmond was forced to flee for his life yesterday after the Queen set a pair of dogs on him at the end of their first official audience.

Salmond To Generate Electricity By Rubbing Himself Against Shereen Nanjiani

FIRST minister Alex Salmond plans to satisfy the nation's energy needs by rubbing himself against a variety of high profile Scots.

Cameron To Spend Two Weeks As A Wheelie Bin

TORY leader David Cameron is to spend two weeks living as a wheelie bin in East London in a bid to highlight the current crisis in British refuse collection.

Brown Era To Be Cold And Wet, Says Met Office

THE premiership of Gordon Brown will be dominated by the damp, dreary weather so typical of his native Fife, the Met Office warned last night.

Brown Pledges 650 New 'Gordontowns'

GORDON Brown has pledged to build 650 new ideologically-friendly towns across Britain when he becomes Prime Minister.

Salmond Demands Separate Scottish Eurovision Entry

SNP Leader Alex Salmond has provoked the first constitutional crisis of the new parliament by demanding Scotland have its own entry in the Eurovision song contest.