Politics

Keeping Britons alive with EU medical equipment would be treason, explains government

THE government has explained that using EU-procured medical equipment to save British lives would be high treason punishable by death.

I'm not a hawk I'm a vulture, says Priti Patel

THE home secretary has clarified that she is neither a cabinet hawk or a cabinet dove but a evil cabinet vulture.

Five reasons Brits would have defeated coronavirus if it wasn't for the meddling EU

THE government says coronavirus is all the more reason to leave the EU. Here’s why we’d never have caught it in the first place if it wasn't for Eurocrats and their regulations.

Is Boris Johnson a hoax?

BORIS Johnson is – supposedly – the prime minister. But is the entire thing just a hoax played on a guillible country? These are the clues.

Government announces four more weeks of lockdown for Britain and 44 more weeks of lockdown for Priti Patel

THE government has signalled that Britain could face another four weeks of lockdown, and Priti Patel could face a further 40 after that.

Priti Patel's guide to not smirking in a crisis

PRITI Patel’s constant smirk and the ongoing national crisis aren’t generally thought to go well together. Here are some ways for the home secretary to try to look more sincere.

Britain waiting for medical all-clear to think Boris is a dick again

BRITONS are nervously awaiting the all-clear from the prime minister’s doctors so that they can think he is a dick again. 

Raab's in charge: what the acting prime minister can and can't do

FOREIGN secretary Dominic Raab is officially in charge of the country, but his powers are limited. What can and can’t he do?

Dominic Raab's guide to the Britain he's just now finding out about

AS acting leader of Britain, I’m in a state of near-constant shock about what I didn’t know about it. Here’s a few things I learned just yesterday.

Ah shit. I don't think I want to do this now

YEAH. Thanks for electing me leader and everything, but is it okay if I’ve changed my mind? Because if I’m honest I want f**k all to do with this mess.

Your guide to paying all your bills on £94 a week, by Rishi Sunak

HI. I’m Rishi Sunak and I won’t leave you behind. If somehow you’re still struggling to get by on Britain’s prompt and generous Universal Credit system, here’s how to pay your way. 

Boris Johnson leading the nation by f**king terrible example

THE prime minister is leading the nation by setting a f**king terrible example showing them what not to do, Downing Street has claimed.