JACOB Rees-Mogg has admitted that he only lay down on a Commons front bench because the opium had seriously hit.
IN THE most important 24 hours for British parliamentary democracy since last time, MPs will today attempt to prevent a no-deal Brexit. Here’s how it will work.
THE prime minister has made a statement to the nation that he has a lovely new puppy that he enjoys petting.
MICHAEL Gove has confirmed the government will ignore any law passed against a no-deal Brexit and existing laws prohibiting cocaine.
PROROGATION, the word on every Briton’s lips this week, definitely means the dissolution of Parliament before a Queen’s speech.
ANY political party promising free, clean toilets in city centres would win 88 per cent of the vote, research has found.
I REGRET that I must resign as leader of the Scottish Conservative party, because: f**k this sh*t.
THE destruction of Alderaan with a giant space laser was business as usual and nothing to get worked up about, a Tory MP has claimed.
THE UK has finally concluded that the monarchy is as useful in a crisis as an upside-down urinal, it has emerged.
BRITAIN is now officially a banana republic with sunshine, a sham democracy and a reasonably good football team.
IT seems my opponents have signed a pledge to legislate against no-deal Brexit. Sadly they appear to have forgotten that I’m Boris, and I do whatever I f*cking want.
JEREMY Corbyn is conspiring with other MPs to thwart a no-deal Brexit. Here apocalyptically furious Brexiter Roy Hobbs describes some punishments the traitors should face.