Politics

England considering selling Scotland to balance the books

ENGLAND is considering selling off its most valuable possession to help pay for the impending economic crisis, it has emerged.

The right-wing maniac's guide to backing the government no matter what

ARE you a Tory voter who can’t accept any criticism of the government no matter how poorly they perform? Here’s how to share your denialism.

The terms and conditions of Rishi Sunak's meal voucher offer in full

IN the chancellor’s giveaway bonanza, Britons can eat out in August with the government footing the bill. There are, however, certain conditions in the small print.

Care homes should have been more careful of coronavirus than I f**king was, says Johnson

THE prime minister has criticised care homes for not following coronavirus prevention procedures, much like a dickhead called Boris Johnson.

Farage returns to work posing with a pint and grinning like a twat

AS pubs reopen, Nigel Farage has got back to the daily grind of being photographed holding a pint and grinning like a twat.

Test and trace demanded for those still infected with Brexit enthusiasm

SCIENTISTS have called for tests to locate those who still think Brexit is going to be great, so that they can be isolated from the rest of society.

Let's nuke Leicester to be sure, Cummings suggests

DOMINIC Cummings has suggested detonating a nuclear device in Leicester city centre to surgically remove coronavirus from the Midlands.

'If you imagine there is a woman beneath me, and I go up and down' explains Johnson

BORIS Johnson has demonstrated his legendary lovemaking technique to Mail readers who could not adore him more.

Embattled housing secretary pulls ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card by saying it was Cummings's idea

ROBERT Jenrick has curtailed any possible criticism for granting billionaires favours for cash by claiming Dominic Cummings said it was okay.

Things you can and can't do we've just pulled out of our arse

WITH lockdown restrictions easing, you might be confused as to what you can do and can’t. Here are the government’s hastily cobbled-together plans explained.

The roadmap to a triumphant photo-op of the prime minister pulling a pint

THE Conservatives have outlined their roadmap to the photo opportunity of Boris Johnson behind a bar pulling a pint that means this crisis is over.

Taxpayers back paint job for Johnson's plane as long as it's a cock

TAXPAYERS are happy to fund the paint job on Boris Johnson’s plane as long as it is a picture of a large cock and balls.