Politics

What Boris Johnson will do in his first 24 hours as prime minister

BORIS Johnson is Britain’s prime minister, and the first 24 hours of his premiership are crucial. But how will he spend them?

Johnson to try it on with the Queen

BORIS Johnson is giving serious consideration to chatting up the Queen with an eye to giving her one, he has confessed.

Iain Duncan Smith to return as Secretary of State for Creeping Up Behind You

IAIN Duncan Smith is to return to government as the Secretary of State for Creeping Up Behind You.

My idiot sons could run this country better than you, Queen tells May

THE Queen has told Theresa May that her useless do-nothing sons would be better at running Britain.

UK resigns

THE UK has handed in its resignation because it is not prepared to work under Boris Johnson as prime minister, it has confirmed.

124,000 mad pensioners seize control of Britain

AN organisation of elderly fascists known as ‘the Tory grassroots’ is to install a megalomaniac man-child as ruler of the UK.

Winner of Nigel Farage lookalike contest to be announced

THE UK is waiting to find out who has won a Nigel Farage lookalike contest and will be awarded the grand prize of Britain.

Are you a Remoaner or do you just not fancy years of unnecessary b*llocks?

SOMETIMES it’s hard to tell if you’re the sort of whiny Remoaner that Brexiters hate or you if just prefer logic and stability over years of unnecessary horsesh*t. Take our test and find out.

MPs vote to kick Boris in the nuts pre-emptively

THE House of Commons has voted to give Boris Johnson a solid boot in the stones before he even starts. 

The upper-class guide to Brexit

THEY are taking their damn time about it, but Brexit is due to take place later this year. But how will it barely affect the upper classes?

Boris's guide to being Trump's bitch

WHAT ho! If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that sometimes you can’t avoid kissing the a*se of an unstable orange buffoon. Here’s how to do it.

How Labour's half-ars*d car-crash of a Brexit policy will fail to work: a timeline

JEREMY Corbyn yesterday announced Labour’s new cock-up of a Brexit policy that nobody will vote for. But how will it fall apart in practice?