Politics

Johnson or Corbyn - who would be the worst company?

DUE to a hospitality mix-up, you’ve invited either prime-minister-in-waiting Boris Johnson or prime-minister-in-exile Jeremy Corbyn to a dinner party. But which would be the worst company?

How Boris Johnson's immigration points system will work

BORIS Johnson wants to bring in an immigration points system for the UK. But how will it work?

'They call me… The Busmaker'

CONSERVATIVE leadership candidate Boris Johnson has revealed himself to be the mysterious Busmaker of myth and legend.

Johnson pledges tax cut for unicorn breeders

BORIS Johnson has vowed to slash taxes for Britain’s hard-pressed unicorn breeders.

My track record of f**king things up and running away is irrelevant to my becoming prime minister

MEDIA commentators are claiming my family life, in which I have a decades-long track record of badly screwing everything up and walking away unconcerned, is somehow relevant to my political ambitions.

'F**king grasses will get theirs when I'm PM' vows Johnson

BORIS Johnson has promised a crackdown on grasses, rats and f*cking busybodies who stick their noses where they do not belong.

Johnson's 'charm' officially runs out

BORIS Johnson's comic persona is officially past its sell-by date, experts have confirmed.

Are you a member of the Conservative party or a Bond villain?

YOU’RE sitting alone, stroking a cat, plotting the destruction of Britain. But are you a member of the Conservative party or just a blameless Bond villain? Find out:

Which of these men will be Britain's last Tory prime minister?

THE dead wood – women, people of colour, wets, nutters – has been whittled away. But who will be the last ever Conservative in Downing Street?

The Tory ars*hole's guide to jogging

POLITICIAN? Looking to get news exposure but unwilling to answer questions? Go for a run the minute you see the cameras arrive, following these rules:

Weedy boys to team up against school bully

MICHAEL Gove and Rory Stewart are to stop being victims and show that big blonde bully what for, they have confirmed.

Tory candidates agree they've totally f*cked up Britain

THE Conservative leadership candidates are all agreed that Britain has been completely ruined by nine years of Conservative leadership.