Politics

A guide to Tory spending vs Labour spending

THE Conservatives and Labour are locked in an escalating battle over spending. Who is promising you personally the most? 

We'll have to clean our a*ses like cats after Brexit, experts warn

BRITISH citizens may have to learn to sit on the floor and lick their backsides with one leg in the air post-Brexit.

'I cannot stand that pr*ck a minute longer' says Tom Watson

TOM Watson has quit as deputy Labour leader because he cannot stand that self-satisfied pr*ck Corbyn for another minute, he has confirmed. 

Are you too thick to vote?

THE election is underway, but are you too bloodyminded and ill-informed to vote sensibly? Check you’re not one of these people.

Man unsure if he's a left-wing Labour voter or a far-right racist

A NORTHERN man is undecided as to whether to back the most radically left-wing Labour party of his lifetime or a bunch of far-right hardcore racists.

The Conservative candidate's guide to the unemployed

IS your firm conviction that people on benefits should be ‘put down’, as Tory candidate Francesca O’Brien said, going over badly on the doorsteps? Try these ideas:

What politicians would say if they could swear on telly

POLITICIANS love a good back and forth but sadly, a lot like a soap opera, they can't ever swear at each other. But what would it sound like if they could?

Middle class drunks press-ganged into becoming Brexit Party candidates

MIDDLE class drunks are being dragged from their homes and signed up as Brexit Party candidates for the general election.

Click this link and the election will be over

ALL you have to do is click this link and the general election will be over. Go on. Do it.

Six weeks and you can start impregnating again, Boris told

BORIS Johnson has been advised to rein in his urge to impregnate women until the general election is over.

Jeremy Corbyn's foolproof guide to losing an election

ARE you the leader of a political party trying to beat the most awful government in recent memory? Here Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn gives his advice on stuffing it up.

Brexiter keeps peeking out window to see if Britain has exploded

A 52-YEAR-OLD man his peeking out the window every 1o minutes to see if the riots have begun on his road.