James Bond's not real, and five other things MI5 can't tell Priti Patel

MI5 insiders have admitted withholding information from home secretary Priti Patel. What aren’t they telling her?

The unemployed Brexiter's guide to new job opportunities

RESTRICTIONS on migrant workers could free up jobs for unemployed Leave voters. Here are some of the exciting opportunities on offer.  

Why should my week off be ruined because there's sewage on your hall carpet?

OH NO, there’s dirty water lapping at the MDF of your flat-pack kitchen. Dear me, your dismal new-build hallway’s swimming in sh*t. Exactly why is that my problem?

Are you batsh*t enough to be a Downing Street adviser?

BORIS Johnson and his grand vizier Dominic Cummings are hiring advisers who believe in eugenics and forced contraception. Are you unhinged enough to be one?

Who is the new Chancellor of the Exchequer? No f**king idea

BRITAIN has a new Chancellor of the Exchequer, second only in power to the prime minister. But who is he? No f**king clue whatsoever. 

Michael Gove kept in cabinet to spite Britain

MICHAEL Gove has kept his position in the cabinet to punish Britain, Boris Johnson has confirmed. 

Man who claims to hate unelected bureaucrats loving Dominic Cummings

A MAN who wanted the UK to be rid of unelected decision-makers is into everything that Boris Johnson’s advisor says and does.

Five horrible policies Tory voters love

NICE liberal voters still find it hard to grasp that the government enacts nasty policies because its supporters like them. Conservative voter Norman Steele lists his favourites.

The Guardian reader's guide to befriending working class Brexiters

ARE you a hand-wringing liberal who thinks we should heal the divisions in society caused by Brexit? Here’s how to befriend a working class Leave person.

Boris Johnson's guide to breaking promises

WANT to look good? Tell everyone what they want to hear and make promises you have no intention of keeping. The prime minister explains how to lie your way to the top.

Hungover Britain hopes it didn't do anything f*cking stupid last night

THE UK has woken up massively hungover with a vague dread that it did something really f**king idiotic last night.

Britain takes first bite of sh*t sandwich

THE United Kingdom has started to munch on the sh*t sandwich it made for itself nearly four years ago.