Politics

Five ways Boris Johnson will f**k up getting his jab

WITH Boris Johnson set to get his first dose of the Oxford vaccine, here’s how he’ll turn getting a jab into the latest of his long line of f**k-ups.

Knaves and guttersnipes: Jacob Rees-Mogg's guide to Victorian insults

JACOB Rees-Mogg has put a journalist in his place by calling him ‘either a knave or a fool’. Here he lists his utterly devastating insults for anyone who incurs his wrath. 

'Pat her on the head rather than the arse': Boris Johnson's guide to ending casual sexism

I’VE decided it’s time for the UK to address casual, everyday sexism despite having an appalling record with it myself. Here’s my guide to not upsetting the totty. I mean, women.

Register dissent by writing a letter in your head: Priti Patel's guide to reasonable protesting

HI, Priti here. Don’t reply, that would be far too noisy and you’ll be detained.

How to spend £37 billion and have f**k all to show for it, by Boris Johnson

YES, I have just spaffed £37 billion on a useless track and trace system and Dido Harding’s grasping, clueless army. But sod you, taxpayers. Be grateful I didn’t spend it on these projects...

Monarchy in crisis because there is no f**king point to it whatsoever

THE British monarchy is in crisis after attention was once again drawn to the absolute pointlessness of its very existence.

'I will call myself a twat for £50'

SADLY – tragically – the political career of Nigel Farage is over. I have given this country everything, and can give no more.

Because I'm worth it, by Priti Patel

A THIRD of a million pounds has been paid out by government to protect me, home secretary Priti Patel. I’m worth 10 times that. Let me explain why. 

Get a room, BBC and Rishi Sunak told

THE BBC has been urged to be more discreet about its ongoing infatuation with chancellor Rishi Sunak.

How to redecorate on a budget, by Carrie Symonds

WANT to spruce up the drab shoebox you sleep and shit in, but low on funds? Let prime ministerial consort Carrie Symonds explains how:

Budget 2021: Are you a winner, a loser or just a twat in general?

ARE you concerned about how today’s budget will affect you, but also worried that makes you a petty, penny-pinching bellend?

Why it's fine for me to borrow shitloads of cash but not you, by Rishi Sunak

HI, BOY billionaire Rishi Sunak here, ready to accept praise for borrowing tens of billions with no clear plan to pay it back. But don’t you dare do the same.