Politics

Gatherings outlawed but f**k the law, Covid surging but back to the office, don't see family but go the pub with strangers

DOWNING Street has confirmed that for every policy it is introducing the opposite policy so nobody knows what the f**k they are doing ever.

Priti Patel to make not reading Daily Mail an act of terrorism

PRITI Patel has vowed to make failure to read the Daily Mail a terrorist act punishable with life in prison.

Rees-Mogg 'would get his nuts kicked on a daily basis in real world'

IF Jacob Rees-Mogg was not an MP he would be subjected to daily assaults by his co-workers and random people, experts have confirmed.

Johnson vs Starmer: Who would win in a variety of combat situations?

JUST for fun, let’s imagine Boris Johnson and Keir Starmer could physically kick the shit out of each other instead of having increasingly irate exchanges at Prime Minister's Questions.

Five free things Rishi Sunak could fob the public off with next

EAT Out To Help Out’s success proves that Britain can be bought off with anything halfway free. Here’s what Rishi Sunak should try next.

Boris Johnson's personal trainer's fitness diary

AS personal trainer to the prime minister, I’m painstakingly logging his journey from obesity to good health. Here’s the story so far: 

Child inspired by Boris Johnson to be a lying adulterer when he grows up

A SPEECH by Boris Johnson at a primary school has made a child want to follow in the footsteps of his new hero.

Amazing man can see week into England's future by watching Scottish news

AN incredible prophet can see a week into the future of England by watching the news on BBC Scotland.

Jeremy Corbyn accepts lucrative offer to teach politics at sixth-form

FORMER Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has accepted a five-figure offer to teach Politics A-level at Stoke Newington Sixth Form College.

Boris Johnson holidaying in cottage and keeping mistress in tent

THE prime minister is holidaying in a remote cottage on the Scottish coast and keeping a mistress in a bell tent on the grounds. 

Why it takes a serial incompetent to tackle incompetence, by Matt Hancock

RECENTLY I’ve noticed columnists saying it’s wrong to appoint useless people to important jobs. As someone with a long history of incompetence, let me explain why they’re wrong.

Painting buses and ignoring emails: Boris Johnson's holiday itinerary in full

WITH this nasty coronavirus business finally put to bed, Boris Johnson is taking a well-earned break from doing f**k all. Here’s how our lord and master will relax.