Politics

Use your own judgment over Christmas, Johnson tells country full of idiots

A PRIME minister whose position is proof that Britain makes f**king terrible decisions has told us to ‘use our own judgment’ over Christmas.

The Leave voter's guide to who to blame for Brexit

BREXIT’S going tits-up, and it can’t be your fault because you voted Leave. Wayne Hayes explains who to point the finger at for undermining our sovereignty.

Sending a blank PDF: the deadline-dodging tricks of Boris Johnson

THE EU keeps imposing deadlines like idiots who don’t know they’re up against the most experienced deadline-dodger in politics. Here’s how I mock them.

Boris Johnson to remember it's Brexit deadline day at about 4pm

THE prime minister is today expected to rise late, enjoy a lengthy lunch, lie about farting then remember his Brexit deadline at approximately 4pm.

Prepare for food shortages, mass unemployment and a 10-year recession, says proud prime minister

THE UK has been told to get ready for food shortages, rampant inflation and losing their jobs and homes by a strong, resolute prime minister. 

'Cannibalism is normal and healthy' says Dominic Raab

DOMINIC Raab has reassured Britain that cannibalism is normal, healthy and would actually make us a more vital and entrepreneurial country. 

'Fancy going on to a club?': How Boris Johnson's Brexit meal went wrong

CURIOUS to know what happened at the make-or-break Brexit trade talks last night? Here is an almost certainly true account.

Fate of entire nation depends on Boris taking a woman seriously

THE fate of the whole UK depends on Boris Johnson taking a woman to dinner, listening to what she says and taking it seriously.

How to cry, by Matt Hancock

ORDERED to cry on telly by Downing Street PR, even though you’ve spent nine months feeling so sorry for yourself you no longer have tears left?

'I'll cut off my own dick, don't think I won't,' Johnson threatens EU

BORIS Johnson has threatened the EU with severing his own penis unless he is given the free trade deal he wants.

Old couple with dogs

Couple experience political awakening after hearing about Brexit pet passport changes

A DOG-OWNING couple are up in arms about democracy and freedom of movement after hearing that pet passport rules may change.

Brexit talks stalled by UK discussing 400 million individual fish

UK negotiators have denied trying to scupper Brexit talks by discussing the rights of every single fish in British waters.