Politics

Your guide to talking to ladies, by Matt Hancock

DEALING with the opposite sex is tricky, particularly if you get a bit shirty with a lady MP and everyone accuses you of being a sexist. Here’s how to strike the right ‘tone’ with the ladies.

How to twist the facts so you can still think the sun shines out of Boris's arse

BEGINNING to think the government has ballsed things up but refuse to admit Boris might not be the new Churchill? Here’s what to tell yourself.

Awaken me in 2170, says Rees-Mogg from family vault

JACOB Rees-Mogg has retired to the family vault to wait out the next 150 years until humanity has recovered enough to deserve him again.

Britain scores the highest death toll in Europe and still the whinging carpers have nothing positive to say, by Dominic Raab

IS it impossible for the Left to be positive? Are they so blinded by ideology they can’t recognise this government’s achievements?

Iain Duncan Smith’s bookshelf has 54 leather-bound volumes of Fiesta

THE bookshelf of Sir Iain Duncan Smith has a full run of British pornographic magazine Fiesta hand-bound in leather, photos have confirmed.

UK has contingency plan ready if Boris makes a good decision

THE government has confirmed they have contingency plans in place in case Boris Johnson begins making good decisions.

Lockdown may stay in place for months because we've f**ked this up, says Johnson

THE prime minister has warned that lockdown measures may remain in place for months because of how badly they have f**ked this up. 

Boris Johnson’s guide to baby names

IS Winston Zipwire Johnson too much? Here are some other names for my new son that will start him on the road to greatness.

How to pretend everything’s going well when it obviously isn’t, by Matt Hancock

ARE you responsible for something very important and it’s turned into a total shitshow? Here’s how to try and convince yourself and others that everything’s fine.

Tests that are more reliable than the coronavirus one: a UK government guide

BY the time testing is reliably rolled out, either the crisis, or the world, might have ended. Here are some tests that are more dependable than the UK government’s current offering.

All the government's coronavirus f**k-ups, a timeline

LOSING track of exactly which government f**k-up came when? Follow our pandemic timeline.

Keeping Britons alive with EU medical equipment would be treason, explains government

THE government has explained that using EU-procured medical equipment to save British lives would be high treason punishable by death.