Politics

Boris and Carrie's guide to having a quiet night in

WITH Boris Johnson and Carrie Symonds now properly moved in to Downing Street, the couple reveal how they spend charming Tory evenings together.

Q&A: Who is this b*llend Dominic Cummings?

ARE you unsure who the mysterious political svengali Dominic Cummings is? Here’s everything you need to know about the man who appears to be running Britain.

'Marry Wales, shag Northern Ireland, kill Scotland', says Johnson

THE prime minister’s tour of the UK has convinced him that he should marry Wales, f**k Northern Ireland and kill Scotland.

The Government's No-Deal Brexit Preparations Guide and Complimentary Bodybag

DEAR householder, this leaflet outlines the various preparations that British citizens should make for a No-Deal Brexit. Page 24 unfolds into a free human remains pouch.

Are you an optimist like Boris or a traitor to Britain?

WE’RE going to be a ‘can do’, optimistic nation, according to Boris. But have you got what it takes to make Britain great again, or are you a treacherous doubting weasel? Answer these questions.

A 'Who the f*ck are these mad b*stards?' guide to Johnson's new cabinet

BORIS Johnson has replaced the entire cabinet with fanatical Brexiters who have sworn a blood oath of loyalty to him. What the f*ck and who the f*ck? 

Are you the sort of f*ckwit who still thinks Boris is great?

ARE you the sort of dense or uninformed voter who still thinks Boris Johnson will be a really good prime minister? Read our guide to what sort of gormless Boris fan you are.

May to run screaming through 80 miles of wheat

THERESA May is to formally resign as prime minister then run shrieking like a banshee through 80 miles of wheat, it has emerged.

What Boris Johnson will do in his first 24 hours as prime minister

BORIS Johnson is Britain’s prime minister, and the first 24 hours of his premiership are crucial. But how will he spend them?

Johnson to try it on with the Queen

BORIS Johnson is giving serious consideration to chatting up the Queen with an eye to giving her one, he has confessed.

Iain Duncan Smith to return as Secretary of State for Creeping Up Behind You

IAIN Duncan Smith is to return to government as the Secretary of State for Creeping Up Behind You.

My idiot sons could run this country better than you, Queen tells May

THE Queen has told Theresa May that her useless do-nothing sons would be better at running Britain.