Politics

Priti Patel's guide to not smirking in a crisis

PRITI Patel’s constant smirk and the ongoing national crisis aren’t generally thought to go well together. Here are some ways for the home secretary to try to look more sincere.

Britain waiting for medical all-clear to think Boris is a dick again

BRITONS are nervously awaiting the all-clear from the prime minister’s doctors so that they can think he is a dick again. 

Raab's in charge: what the acting prime minister can and can't do

FOREIGN secretary Dominic Raab is officially in charge of the country, but his powers are limited. What can and can’t he do?

Dominic Raab's guide to the Britain he's just now finding out about

AS acting leader of Britain, I’m in a state of near-constant shock about what I didn’t know about it. Here’s a few things I learned just yesterday.

Ah shit. I don't think I want to do this now

YEAH. Thanks for electing me leader and everything, but is it okay if I’ve changed my mind? Because if I’m honest I want f**k all to do with this mess.

Your guide to paying all your bills on £94 a week, by Rishi Sunak

HI. I’m Rishi Sunak and I won’t leave you behind. If somehow you’re still struggling to get by on Britain’s prompt and generous Universal Credit system, here’s how to pay your way. 

Boris Johnson leading the nation by f**king terrible example

THE prime minister is leading the nation by setting a f**king terrible example showing them what not to do, Downing Street has claimed.

Thanks for clapping me, says Johnson

THE prime minister has thanked Britain for clapping to show they do not blame him in the slightest for the current crisis.

Johnson promises to debag the coronavirus and throw it in the river Cam

BORIS Johnson has told Britain that he and his science chums will pull the coronavirus’s trousers down and throw it off the punt dock into the river Cam.

Oh shit, I might not be Churchill after all

I HAVE always been a great admirer of Winston Churchill. I wrote a biography of him. I have considered myself his modern equivalent. I may have been wrong.

Dominic Cummings's so-crazy-they-might-just-work ways to defeat the coronavirus

HI. I’m Dominic Cummings, government advisor, professional disrupter and radical anarcho-intellectual. Here’s how I intend to defeat the coronavirus.

Boris Johnson's latest half-arsed half-measures that will do f**k-all

THE prime minister has announced the UK’s latest half-arsed half-measures to stop the coronavirus spreading without really doing anything.