Politics

Care homes should have been more careful of coronavirus than I f**king was, says Johnson

THE prime minister has criticised care homes for not following coronavirus prevention procedures, much like a dickhead called Boris Johnson.

Farage returns to work posing with a pint and grinning like a twat

AS pubs reopen, Nigel Farage has got back to the daily grind of being photographed holding a pint and grinning like a twat.

Test and trace demanded for those still infected with Brexit enthusiasm

SCIENTISTS have called for tests to locate those who still think Brexit is going to be great, so that they can be isolated from the rest of society.

Let's nuke Leicester to be sure, Cummings suggests

DOMINIC Cummings has suggested detonating a nuclear device in Leicester city centre to surgically remove coronavirus from the Midlands.

'If you imagine there is a woman beneath me, and I go up and down' explains Johnson

BORIS Johnson has demonstrated his legendary lovemaking technique to Mail readers who could not adore him more.

Embattled housing secretary pulls ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card by saying it was Cummings's idea

ROBERT Jenrick has curtailed any possible criticism for granting billionaires favours for cash by claiming Dominic Cummings said it was okay.

Things you can and can't do we've just pulled out of our arse

WITH lockdown restrictions easing, you might be confused as to what you can do and can’t. Here are the government’s hastily cobbled-together plans explained.

The roadmap to a triumphant photo-op of the prime minister pulling a pint

THE Conservatives have outlined their roadmap to the photo opportunity of Boris Johnson behind a bar pulling a pint that means this crisis is over.

Taxpayers back paint job for Johnson's plane as long as it's a cock

TAXPAYERS are happy to fund the paint job on Boris Johnson’s plane as long as it is a picture of a large cock and balls. 

Dominic Raab's guide to civil rights protests

I’VE received a lot of attention for pointing out that ‘taking the knee’ was copied from Game Of Thrones. Here is my guide to where other civil rights protests stole their ideas from. 

How to pretend it wasn't a U-turn

COMPLETELY changed your mind in 24 hours, making transport secretary Grant Shapps look a dick again? Pretend you didn’t:

F**king footballers have more claim to moral high ground than government

PREMIER League footballers, widely acknowledged as the worst people in society, are now more decent than the f**king government.