Politics

Oven-ready Brexit deal to be final challenge on Bake Off

A TRIO of amateur bakers will shoulder the hopes of a nation by creating oven-ready Brexit deals for the final challenge of The Great British Bake-Off. 

Five potential career moves for Melania Trump

WITH her husband due to leave the White House, Melania Trump is reported to be considering a range of career moves, drawing on her many skillsets. Here are some options.

Gove reassures Kent that one portaloo for 200 lorry drivers probably won't affect property prices

MICHAEL Gove has told the people of Kent that the all-pervasive smell of lorry drivers’ excrement will actually be a ‘Brexit bonus’ for the county.

I superforecasted all this, says Cummings

DOMINIC Cummings has confirmed that he superforecasted everything about the current Downing Street row, including being out on his arse. 

Carrie Symonds announces cabinet reshuffle

CARRIE Symonds, in her capacity as prime minister’s consort, has announced a full cabinet reshuffle. 

The president cannot reverse time: Trump's lies fact-checked

PRESIDENT Trump last night made a number of claims to the American people of dubious veracity. Here we fact-check them one by one. 

'How's that US trade deal looking?' Remainers ask Brexiters

BREXITERS have been asked for an update on Britain’s amazing trade deal with America now that Donald Trump is likely to lose.

Why counting votes is undemocratic, by a MAGA twat

SNEAKY Democrats are trying to sabotage this election by placing more votes for their candidate than us Republicans. Let me explain why that undermines democracy while I disrupt ballot counting.

Looks like I've a substantial chance of getting away with my bullshit, says cheerful Johnson

BORIS Johnson has a spring in his step this morning after seeing US voters vote for a lying bastard with nonsense hair in massive numbers.

Five politicians you're completely opposed to but secretly fancy

POLITICS has become so polarised that it’s impossible to admit that you wouldn’t mind giving Dominic Raab one. Form a cross-party coalition with these five...

Farage launches Why Don't I Just F**k Off? Party

NIGEL Farage is making an electoral comeback with a party dedicated to finally making him f**k off permanently.

Six ways to fake your own death, by Boris Johnson

EVER found yourself trapped in an intolerable situation you can’t back out of? Faking your own death begins to seem like the answer.