Politics

EU covers its eyes while UK shits its pants

THE European Union has agreed not to look while the UK spends the next week soiling itself.

Tory party 'could be down to 16 people without the racists'

ANY attempt to clamp down on prejudiced attitudes in the Conservative Party could mean the entire membership will fit in a minibus, senior Tories have warned.

The secret normal life of Jacob Rees-Mogg

SALVE! That’s latin for ‘hello’, but of course my ridiculous 18th century toff persona is just for gullible Brexiters. Here’s what life in the Rees-Mogg household is really like.

Police to get less than a third of one of Grayling's fuck-ups

POLICE facing a nationwide knife crime epidemic are to get much less than the cost of fixing one of Chris Grayling’s regular fuck-ups.

Everyone who voted Leave to get £1,000 worth of chips

EVERY single one of the UK’s 17.4 million Leave voters is to get a tax-free lump sum of £1,000 to spend on chips.

Everyone agrees to quietly forget Brexit thing ever happened

EVERYONE has agreed to quietly sweep the referendum result under the carpet, it has been confirmed.

Are you an old-school hard-left tosser?

ARE you the sort of left-winger who’s stuck in a 1970s timewarp of revolutionary rhetoric and an obsession with Israel? Take our quiz and find out.

Brexiter can't remember if he means it or if it's just a wind-up

A LEAVE supporter cannot remember if he is actually against Britain’s EU membership or if he just says he is to wind up Remainers.

Tommy Robinson still available in his shed

TOMMY Robinson has confirmed that, while he has been banned from Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, he continues to be available in his shed.

Give the job to the f**king meerkat, agrees Britain

THE UK has agreed that the fucking meerkat from those bollocks website adverts would do a better job of Brexit than Theresa May.

Second referendum could divide Britain, say f**kwits

A SECOND Brexit referendum could leave Britain hopelessly divided in bitter, entrenched opposition, warn idiots who have noticed nothing since 2016.

May has weird dream where she's done no preparation for Brexit

THERESA May has had a classic anxiety dream in which she totally failed to do any preparation for Brexit, she has revealed.