How to buy for six or seven or more kids this Christmas, by Boris Johnson

THERE are only 36 shopping days until Christmas is cancelled. Joking! But assuming it does happen, how does one go about shopping for an indeterminate number of kids?

Five reasons why Brexit chaos will be your fault, Brexiters

WITH Brexit likely to bring hardship and disruption, the obvious people to blame are the EU and Remoaners. But could it actually be the fault of Leave voters? Here's why.

'Buy a metal detector': Rishi Sunak's money advice for 2021

WORRIED about surviving the UK’s escalating economic apocalypse? Fear not because chancellor Rishi Sunak is here with advice for the hard times ahead.

Why police and teachers have earned their pay freeze, by Rishi Sunak

OUR police and teachers are the backbone of society, out there on the frontlines when so many are cowering at home. That’s why I, Rishi Sunak, think they’ve earned every penny of their pay freeze.

Government unveils plan for thousands of unnecessary deaths called 'Save Christmas'

THE prime minister has announced plans to cause thousands of avoidable deaths in a scheme he calls ‘saving Christmas’.

Boris Johnson's self-isolation diary, day nine

Boris here. I'm in self-isolation so I’ve been keeping a diary this entire time, because Churchill kept a diary and I’m just like him. Here are the highlights.

I didn't realise slamming a civil servant's nuts in a drawer was considered 'bullying', says Priti Patel

PRITI Patel has confessed she had no idea that Chinese burns, nutsack drawer-slammings and regular wedgies were what the weak considered ‘bullying’. 

We don't need Nissan because we'll be rolling in fish, and four other Brexiter delusions

PEOPLE who believe Brexit is going to be a massive success seem to live in a highly imaginative parallel universe. Here are some of their favourite delusions.

Five great ways to make the Tories pay back the £18 billion

THE government has dished out £18 billion in PPE contracts, many to useless suppliers and Tory party chums. Here are some interesting ways to make them pay the money back.

Corbyn reinstated after 19-day anti-semitism binge to get it out of his system

JEREMY Corbyn has been reinstated to the Labour party after purging all anti-semitism from his system with a 19-day binge.

Keir Starmer's definitely-not-bullshit Desert Island Discs

HI, Keir here. I’ve been given a bit of ‘stick’ for choosing Three Lions as one of my Desert Island Discs. Allow me to reassure you that I genuinely love the following hits.

Six ways to spot if Dominic Cummings is in your workplace

BIG bad Dom is back on the jobs market. These six tell-tale signs will identify if you’re working with him.