Politics

I will only give speeches when Britain is p*ssed, says Boris Johnson

THE prime minister, who will give a Brexit speech at 11pm tonight, has confirmed he will only make speeches when Britain is sh*tfaced. 

Five things morons are expecting to happen after Brexit

ARE you a Brexiter with mad ideas about life after Brexit, or a ridiculously melodramatic Remainer? Here are some things that won’t be happening.

Brexit celebration attended by more than 4,000 brain cells

A BREXIT rally has been attended by almost 150 people who do not appear to have a f**king clue about what they are celebrating. 

Express readers outraged they can't put Remainers in wicker man for Brexit Eve

DAILY Express readers have blamed political correctness gone mad for not being allowed to burn Remainers alive in a wicker man on Brexit Eve. 

Does waving a little flag give you an erection?

HUMAN sexual responses are complex and affected by a wide range of stimuli. But does your penis only become tumescent by waving a tiny Union Jack or are you normal? 

How to organise a hideously middle-class pro-EU event

ARE you a Guardian reader who wants to show their support for the EU as we leave tomorrow? Here’s how to hold an event that’s embarrassingly middle class.

Brexit celebrations going to be a little bit racist, admit Brexiters

MOST of the Brexit celebrations planned for Friday will be xenophobic bordering on actually racist, Leave voters have admitted.

Sajid Javid's f**kwitted guide to how things work

CHANCELLOR of the Exchequer Sajid Javid may not know how trade with the EU works, but it doesn’t end there. Here he answers more questions about the world around us.

The six immigration systems Brexiters want

BORIS Johnson has promised a points-based immigration after Brexit, but Australia’s got that and they’re still mad racist. Here are a few systems Brexiters would prefer.

6 ways to celebrate Brexit Eve

BIG Ben may not be bonging, but that’s no reason not to celebrate leaving the world’s largest trading bloc on January 31st.

The five types of twat who'll pay for Big Ben to bong for Brexit

BIG BEN bonging for Brexit is the worst charitable cause since a druggie with a stolen charity tin rattled it around the local, but the cretins who support it live among us.

Johnson does hard-hitting interview with Roland Rat

THE prime minister has appeared on ITV’s breakfast television show for a tough interview with 1980s puppet presenter Roland Rat.