Sajid Javid's guide to making up your own crisis

INVENTING a crisis is exciting and makes you feel important if you’re a twat. Here home secretary Sajid Javid describes some great ones to try.

Brexit advent calendar has something bad behind every door

PEOPLE who bought a Brexit advent calendar have discovered it goes on forever and every door conceals an unpleasant surprise.

Corbyn 'both justified and a dick'

JEREMY Corbyn is both perfectly justified in calling Theresa May a ‘stupid woman’ and a rude dick for doing so, Britain has agreed.

We've got your cat, May tells Barnier

THERESA May has kidnapped Michel Barnier’s cat to use as a bargaining chip in Brexit negotiations.

May hoping to get better Brexit deal in January sales

THERESA May believes she can get a more economical Brexit deal in the January sales, it has emerged.

Second referendum would 'break faith with people who want me executed', says May

THE prime minister has warned that a second referendum would 'break faith' with those members of the British public who want her executed as a traitor. 

'What if I'm actually a dickhead?' Boris Johnson wonders aloud

FOR the first time Boris Johnson has realised he might not be a great statesman and future prime minister but just a dickhead.

How to cope with another year of Theresa bloody May

THERESA May is set to stay for at least another year, so how will you survive more of her bullshit? Follow our guide to making it as painless as possible.

Five ways forward for Theresa May

THE Brexit impasse has left the prime minister looking short of options, with her deal certain to be defeated whenever a vote is held. So where should she go from here?

'Nanny!' screams Rees-Mogg

JACOB Rees-Mogg has screamed for his nanny after soiling himself in the House of Commons.

This is what happens whenever posh twats are in charge, say experts

A HISTORIAN has confirmed that Britain ends up in a fucking mess whenever we make the mistake of putting posh people in charge.

Man who voted Brexit 'just to stir things up' more than happy

A MAN who voted Leave ‘just to shake things up a bit’ has proclaimed himself delighted with events so far.