Politics

Dad furious at Tories over exam results still going to vote for them next time

A MAN who is livid about the Conservatives’ handling of this year’s exams is definitely going to vote for them next time, he has confirmed.

For f**k's sake, can't you dickheads keep a disastrous policy in place long enough for me to slag it off?

OH FOR f**k’s sake. I had the press releases about betraying a generation of children ready to go. I’d rehearsed my anger. I was booked on breakfast TV.

I got shit A-levels and look at me now, says Gavin Williamson

EDUCATION secretary Gavin Williamson has reminded the nation that all he got was a BSc from the University of Bradford and look at him now. 

'Sell a lung': Rishi Sunak's guide to riding out the recession

HI, Rishi fans. Everyone agrees I’m great but it looks like those pesky hard times have arrived. Sad face. Here’s how to make ends meet in the ongoing financial shitstorm.

Just because there's been a recession under every Tory government for the last 100 years doesn't mean it's our fault

YES, there’s a recession on. Yes, it’s the deepest since records began. But just because once again it’s under a Tory government doesn’t mean it’s our fault.

How to be a heroic migrant hunter, by Nigel Farage

IS there any nobler calling than grassing up refugees fleeing war zones? I think not. Here’s my guide to tirelessly standing guard over Britannia's borders.

Fill the Channel with sharks: Priti Patel's migrant defence plan in full

YOU call them migrants. I call it an invasion worse than anything the Nazis planned so our shores must be defended by any means necessary. And I’m home secretary.

A gentleman's guide to staying cool in the heat, by Jacob Rees-Mogg

WHEN Britain ruled the world, its colonial governors wore three-piece suits with top hats and watch chains in the height of Ceylonese summer. As we all should.

How to blame Nicola Sturgeon for everything: a Brexiter explains

IT isn’t always the EU’s fault. Sometimes it’s Scotland, and in particular that ‘wee hag’ Nicola Sturgeon. Roy Hobbs explains why the SNP leader is destroying Britain:

Second wave in two weeks and action against second wave in five weeks, warns Johnson

THE prime minister has warned that a second wave of coronavirus could begin in two weeks with urgent action against it scheduled for three weeks later.

Congratulations, you have survived one year of Boris Johnson

WELL done! It seemed unlikely at times, but you have survived one year with Boris Johnson as prime minister. Let’s see what you’ve been through.

How to blame Remain voters for Brexit

ARE you a Leaver starting to think Brexit might be as bad as everyone said? Here’s how to blame Remainers for it.