Politics

Trump optimistic after massive injection of bleach

DONALD Trump is being injected with a litre of bleach which will cure his Coronavirus.  

Priti Patel's latest insane ideas horrible voters will love

PRITI Patel has been criticised for a plan to put asylum seekers on Ascension Island. Here she sets out some more ideas to appeal to mad and vindictive voters. 

Apologies, we misvoted, says Britain

THE UK has apologised for the prime minister for the momentary error it made in the polling booth last December which it will rectify as soon as possible.

How to hold a socially distanced cocaine party, by Michael Gove

JUST because the world is in the grip of an accelerating pandemic doesn’t mean you can't have friends over to snort a little sherbert. Just follow these rules:

Six reality-denying reasons Brexit is going really well

IF you have a tenuous grasp of facts and reality then Brexit is going great guns. Here are six deluded reasons why we’re totally smashing the process of leaving the EU.

Your guide to Rishi Sunak's f**king confusing Job Support Scheme

RISHI Sunak has replaced furlough, which pays you for doing nothing, with the Job Support Scheme that pays you for doing less. But how does it work? 

The things about Britain's shit trains that won't be changing, by Grant Shapps

RAIL franchises are being scrapped, but rest assured you’ll still be getting the shitehouse train service that is every Briton’s birthright.

You're ruining this for me

DO you know how long I’ve wanted to be prime minister? My whole life. And I finally get here and what happens? You, the British people, seem determined to ruin it.

How to tell the difference between Keir Starmer and a Tory

PATRIOTISM, family, security: Starmer’s version of Labour sounds well Tory. Here’s how to spot the difference.

Gove: 'Get drunk in the office, work in the pub and never mix with anyone from your household'

MICHAEL Gove has ordered Britain to work from pubs, drink in the office and only meet members of their household outside.

How to not be able to live on £150k, by Boris Johnson

DO YOU think you could live comfortably on the prime minister’s £150,000 salary? Think again. Boris Johnson explains how hard it is.

Country run by f**knuts somehow f**ked

THE UK’s status as officially f**ked and its leadership by total f**knuts could be connected, it has emerged.