Lib Dems Promise Hand Jobs And Ice Cream

EVERYONE will get a bowl of luxurious vanilla ice cream and a nice, long hand job when the Lib Dems take power, the party agreed yesterday.

Brown Sprayed By Own Urine

PRIME minister Gordon Brown was last night wiping urine from his face after attempting to empty his bladder into a strong wind.

For Christ's Sake Just Sack Me, Says Darling

ALISTAIR Darling last night pleaded for his immediate dismissal, stressing he was the worst chancellor in more than 60 years.

Cameron Enjoys Proper Holiday With Toffs

DAVID Cameron is back in Britain and feeling refreshed after enjoying his proper holiday with millionaire aristocrats.

Confused Prescott Compares Brown To Captain Birdseye

GORDON Brown received a boost yesterday after Labour's former deputy leader compared him to the frozen food giant Captain Birdseye.

Does Miliband Have What It Takes To Be Prime Minister For Six Weeks?

HE has thrown down a coded gauntlet to Gordon Brown, but does David Miliband really have what it takes to be prime minister for a few weeks towards the end of the year?

Labour MPs To Rally Behind Unbearable, Screeching Hag

LABOUR backbenchers are preparing to ditch Gordon Brown and place their electoral fortunes in the hands of the most God-awful cow.

Brown Pins Hopes On Outbreak Of Pig Shingles

ALLIES of Gordon Brown believe the prime minister will recover in the polls as soon as Britain is hit by a devastating animal disease.