MP Becomes First Ever Person To Forget He Had Paid Off His Mortgage

LABOUR MP Elliot Morley was last night confirmed as the first person in the history of the world to forget he had paid off his mortgage.

Sorry Brown Gets Buck Naked

THE war of political apologies escalated last night as prime minister Gordon Brown pledged all his clothes to a charity shop and began wandering about in the buff.

Top Tory Claims For Drawbridge Wax

THE Tories last night proved they have still got it after it was revealed that a senior MP claimed more than £2000 for drawbridge wax and moat freshener.

It's The System That's A Piece-Of-Shit, Thieving Bastard, Say MPs

THE system of parliamentary expenses is a corrupt, scum-sucking, piece-of-shit, bastarding thief, MPs insisted last night.

Brown Engulfed By Expenses Scandal As Power Passes To Joanna Lumley

GORDON Brown was prime minister in name only last night as the machinery of state was transferred to New Avengers actress Joanna Lumley.

Brown To Regain Initiative By Admitting Schools Are Rubbish

GORDON Brown is hoping to regain the political initiative today by confirming that Britain's schools are so much worse than they used to be.

A Guide To The People You Don't Care About In Labour's Civil War

AS Gordon Brown fights for his political life the Daily Mash brings you a guide to the key players in the tumultuous battle for the heart and soul of the Labour party. No, we don't really give a shit either.

Rampant Gurkhas Will Chop Your Head Off, Warns Brown

PRIME minister Gordon Brown has warned of large piles of severed heads if thousands of tiny Gurkhas are given the right to live in the UK.

Christ On A Bike, Says Britain

THE full extent of the Britain's public debt last night led to a devastating collapse in the nation's face.

Brown Somehow Manages To Make Total Arse Of MPs' Expenses

PRIME minister Gordon Brown has surprised Westminster by somehow managing to make the scandal over MPs' expenses even worse than it already was.

Budget To Include £1 Billion For New Squats

TOMORROW'S Budget is expected to include a £1 billion programme to build thousands of houses that no-one can afford to buy.

I'm Not Even Trying Any More, Admits Darling

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling last night admitted he is not even trying any more after pledging £15bn worth of 'efficiency savings'.