At Least She’s Not Gay, Says Robinson

NORTHERN Ireland's first minister last night thanked God that his corrupt, adulterous wife was not a lesbian whore.

Could have been a lot worse

DUP Leader Peter Robinson said Jesus was watching over him when his wife Iris sought sexual gratification from a  teenager instead of some lumbering, crew-cut dyke in league with Beelzebub.

Mr Robinson said: "It was my wife's unshakeable faith that drove her into the groin of a smooth-skinned boy when she could so easily have found herself writhing around a hotel bedroom with a dirty nun who's only loyalty is to Rome, and vaginas.

"And when she was procuring the £50,000 I can take comfort from the fact that it was for a decent, Christian coffee shop instead of a KD Lang box-set and a selection of state of the art, battery-powered strap-ons."

Mr Robinson has vowed to continue as first minister despite calls for him to make way for another swivel-eyed lunatic who thinks the Pope is really a 12-horned demi-Satan called Zablamesh.

A senior DUP source said: "This is a crucial moment in devolution. If we falter now then the streets of Ulster will be filled with the rutting hordes of Popery and he who is Zablamesh will hold dominion over the police and fire brigade.

"It would be best if Peter steps down so he can focus on both his family and his collection of marriage certificates of all the animals on Noah's ark."

Meanwhile Kirk McCambley, Mrs Robinson's teenage non-lesbian lover, has been spotted driving around Belfast in an open-topped Alfa Romeo, listening to Scarborough Fair at full blast and banging very loudly on shop windows with the palms of his hands.