AV opponents face Daily Mail dilemma

MILLIONS of decent, honest Britons today face the troubling prospect of being on the same side of an argument as the Daily Mail.

Across the country people who have a principled opposition to voting reform wept into their toast after realising that on some level their brain was in tune with the brain of Paul Dacre.

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “I like first past the post because it makes it easier to kick out bad governments. Now, however I am forced to assume it must be pure… fucking… evil.

“I guess Britain under AV will somehow make carefully worded racism, sneering misogyny and nauseatingly immoral scare mongering more difficult or less profitable.”

Emma Bradford, from Finsbury Park, said she was worried AV would give greater influence to extremists but could not understand why this would be a problem in any way whatsoever for the Daily Mail.

She added: “Maybe Dacre is actually trying to get me to vote for AV in a way that does not involve him having to publicly agree with people he thinks are communist child molesters.

“The old double blufferoo. He’s a wily fox, that one.”

But Jane Thompson, from Peterborough, said: “If AV meant more power for the BNP then Dacre would hate that because then Britain would be the way he wanted it rather than the way it is, which currently makes him an awful lot of money.”

She added: “I just feel that voting reform is not the priority right now and that instead we should focus on having more MPs who aren’t, you know, fuckers.”

Bill McKay, from Stevenage, said: “I think the simplest thing from my point of view is to vote against AV and then kill myself.

“It keeps everything nice and neat and I won’t have look in the mirror and see my pathetic, shitty, Daily Mail-agreeing-with face.

“Jackpot.”

 

 

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United raise ticket prices to annoy everyone

MANCHESTER United have confirmed that their £1 ticket price increase was a calculated move based solely on their insatiable desire to annoy.

The club have asked the dark forces behind the jingles in the Mazuma, Go Compare and WeBuyAnyCar adverts to come up with a 30-second song advertising the price hike to maximise the level of irritation.

A club spokesman said: “Whether you’re a fan feeling that a Glazer brother has just inched his stubby penis slightly further into your ear or you’ve no interest in sport and this story indirectly makes you aware of the staggering amounts of cash involved in the business, there’s something to furiously bother just about everybody.

“And we don’t even need the money. It’s going to cost more to tell everybody about the increase than we’ll actually make, but if anything that just made us want to do it even more.”

After United’s 4-1 win over Schalke, the club hired Tom Hanks to come to Old Trafford to read out a press release written by JK Rowling to advertise the rise in prices at an estimated cost of £3.4 million.

To increase the overwhelming contempt for the club, the £1 per ticket raise will not be applied on an even basis, but will range from a 1p to a £4,593 raise depending on what kind of mood the person working in the ticket office is in.

The spokesman added: “Realistically, for a club as big as United with its rich and varied history, there’s only so many permutations involving referees, the fixture list and an infiltration of gypsies possible before you run out of ways to be an overwhelming shit.

“But watch this space – next season we’re going to go on strike unless the FA make Nani the English goodwill ambassador for the Fair Play league.”