Friday, 4th December 2020

Check Change Go: six things the government's new slogan could mean if you haven't got a f**king clue

THE government has launched its latest £100m advertising campaign for an abstract concept. But what the f**k is ‘Check, Change, Go’ about? 

Coronavirus

After being forced by the public to give clear bloody instructions for once in March, the government has been slowly diluting it into meaninglessness for the benefit of Tory donors. Check no-one’s coughing, change your distance from other people… go?

Incontinence

Incontinence is an issue affecting four out of every five people, or something like that. And if you’re going on a date it’s never great to turn up in urine-soaked denim, so check your crotch for wetness, change if necessary, then go out there and get ‘em, tiger.

Going to the laundrette

If you live in a bedsit, as most Britons do or will shortly, you’ll be washing your clothes at the laundrette. And nobody knows better than Boris Johnson what a grave error it is not to bring 20ps for the dryer, so check your change before you go.

Superman

Giant robots always seem to attack Metropolis when you’re Clark Kent, but remember it’s important to protect your secret identity. So check that nosy Lois Lane isn’t watching, change in a convenient Daily Planet cupboard and go see who’s behind this robot. Probably Lex f**king Luthor.

Illuminati meetings

There’s nothing worse than turning up to a meeting of the secret rulers of the world still wearing your human skin. Ensure to check you’ve sloughed off your flesh and changed into your lizard form before going to meet the others. This tip suggested by Michael Gove.

Brexit

Check.. that Brexit has happened? Change… into what, a European? Go where? Nah. Can’t be anything to do with Brexit. This bollocks doesn’t relate to it in any possible way.