Saturday, 26th September 2020

Confused Neanderthals gather around monolith

A GROUP of Neanderthal men milled uneasily around a mysterious monolith that appeared overnight in Parliament Square on Saturday. 

The men stared up in anger and terror at the featureless grey cuboid which they had been attracted to by primitive instinct while uttering gutteral grunts and howls of pain and fear.

Anger about the monolith and terror of an unknown future occasionally caused them to erupt into violence directed at themselves and others, or quasi-religious chanting.

Wayne Hayes of Mansfield said: “Big grey slab. Not there before. Make afraid. Make angry!

“Want freedom! No surrender IRA! Traitors! Won war! Do arm up in air like men won war against. Confused. Blame monolith. Make think funny.

“Make me want pick up tool. Pick up tool and smash! Run riot through city, burn everything, beat enemies!”

“Scuse me. Need piss. Had 11 Stella.”