Friday, 3rd July 2020

Dominic Cummings is your new stepdad

DOMINIC Cummings, the chief adviser to the prime minister, is at your mum’s house and has announced he is your new stepfather. 

Cummings was confirmed as your mum’s new husband yesterday and began his new role by telling you all the new house rules you must follow that he will ignore.

Will McKay said: “Suddenly he was just there, looming in the background of a Zoom call, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

“He’s moved in, he’s cleared out my old room because he needs it as an office and all my stuff’s in storage, and apparently it’s ‘my way or the highway’.

“I’ve already had a lecture from him about not borrowing the car again and the hand-sanitising routine I have to follow to sit in the garden, while he has Michael Gove round for beers in the kitchen.

“I pointed out the hypocrisy to my mum but she just told me that she expected better and acted like I was being the unreasonable one while he nodded.”

Cummings then put his arm round your mum and gave her a big wet kiss on the cheek before smiling at you for no apparent reason.