Heartless, Insensitive Old Tory Absolutely Spot On

DAVID Cameron’s enterprise czar sparked outrage last night after being absolutely right.

Horrid old bastard and his fact-based opinions

In a factually devastating gaffe, Lord Young said that millions of people were enjoying historically low mortgage rates and that as long as they had a job, they had never been better off.

Economists immediately checked the mortgage rates, did a few sums and realised that Lord Young was being cruelly and insensitively spot on.

Lord Young also claimed that many people ‘think they have a right for the state to support them’ but was immediately condemned by dozens of Labour MPs who had voted repeatedly for welfare reform in order to curry favour with Daily Mail reading maniacs.

And the former cabinet minister then made lots of little children cry with his claim that 100,000 job losses was technically within the margin of error in a workforce of 30 million.

Nathan Muir, a senior economist at Madeley-Finnegan, said: “Well, first of all, that’s pretty much what a margin of error actually is.

“Secondly, while it may seem insensitive, Lord Young doesn’t know any of those people and, statistically, the chances are neither do you, unless you and your friends all have bullshit jobs with the local council.

“We all get terribly annoyed when we see cretins getting upset over the death of a famous person they didn’t know, but somehow we’re all supposed to mourn like Italian grandmothers when a complete stranger is out of work for a year or two.

“In order to keep growing our economy one of the most important things we can do is to stop shitting ourselves with hysteria every time someone says something we don’t like and just get a fucking grip.”

But the Tory peer was later forced to apologise for his sadistic, upper-class rightness, adding: “I’m very old. Look at my bow tie. I’m not right in the head.

“I now realise that if your income stays much the same and your biggest monthly expense goes down quite a lot then you’re worse off. You don’t need a PhD in maths to work that one out.

“And I don’t know what I was thinking when I said some people think they have a right to state support. I suppose I must have just thought it was okay because it’s a view shared by more than half the Cabinet and the vast majority of the people in this country.

“I’m so old. Can I have a cup of tea now?”