Wednesday, 28th October 2020

How to pretend it wasn't a U-turn

COMPLETELY changed your mind in 24 hours, making transport secretary Grant Shapps look a dick again? Pretend you didn’t: 

Never heard of him

Claim to be completely ignorant of that day’s leading news story, the footballer Marcus Rashford, the sport of football and the concept of sport. Add that you are very busy despite the colossal lack of evidence.

It was magic

If there’s been some kind of furore and an entire country thinks you’re a tightfisted bastard, ignore it. Act as if your change of heart arrived as if by magic and no one else’s opinion had any influence on it.

Thought it through and reconsidered

Alternatively, you could pretend you thought about your decision really hard and then reversed it after examining the evidence. It’s not something you’d ever do, but necessary when even the most hardline rightwing lunatics that voted for you are having doubts.

Better you notice this than the other thing

Running the country with the most shambolic response to a global pandemic? Anything that distracts, even a humiliating u-turn and modest act of decency you had your arm twisted into agreeing to, is fine.

Sorry not sorry

Having the balls to admit you were wrong and apologise is an act of integrity, so don’t do it. Your ego might take a hit and that must be avoided because though massive, it’s terrifyingly fragile, like a blimp.

Don’t give a toss

The chances are that if you’re this easily persuaded into a U-turn you don’t give a toss anyway, so why pretend? Ruffle your hay bale hair and carry on regardless.