Friday, 3rd July 2020

I got away with it, by Dominic Cummings

I TOTALLY got away with it. You said I wouldn’t. You wrote big articles about how I wouldn’t. But guess what, f**kers? I did. 

This time last week you were all still angry, though if we’re honest you were running out of steam then.

The best you could do was various Tory MPs writing letters of mild disapproval to their constituents, and you know full well I don’t give a bugger what Tory MPs think, the bunch of bumbling old duffers.

Yeah, I didn’t like giving my whole bollocks account of my movements in the Downing Street garden much. But, you know, it was one afternoon, on a bank holiday. I was only late because I couldn’t really be arsed with it.

And, much as I was tempted to admit the truth – heard Boris had the ‘rona, shit myself, f**ked off to my mum’s – I knew that if I stuck to the story there was nothing you could do.

I admit I probably shouldn’t have included the thing about the eye test, as that made me look like a twat. But you all enjoyed sharing your Barnard Castle memes, and I’m still here, aren’t I?

So, for anyone keeping score, it seems to me that with Brexit and the election, it’s Dominic Cummings three, Dominic Cummings’ enemies nil. Ha.