Friday, 30th October 2020

Let's nuke Leicester to be sure, Cummings suggests

DOMINIC Cummings has suggested detonating a nuclear device in Leicester city centre to surgically remove coronavirus from the Midlands. 

Hunched over a table in the Downing Street war room, surrounded by the heads of the Armed Forces, Cummings stabbed at Leicester on an illuminated map and asked how many megatons would be necessary to ‘wipe the virus out’.

He continued: “Yes, it’s a drastic step. But we cannot rule out the unthinkable if we are to save Britain. It’s what they did in the first Avengers film.

“The exits to the city are here, here, here and here. On all sides in fact. There’s no way we can contain them if they all make a run for it. I’m afraid it’s the only way.

“Damnit, General, you think I want to do this? To kill half a million people in a single instant? My conscience will never let me rest again. But history will know that we did the right thing.

“Ready the missiles. We nuke Leicester in one hour. May God have mercy on our souls.”

The prime minister then poked his head into the room, asking what was going on, and Cummings said it was nothing that need concern him.