Politics Headlines

Mcconnell Comes Last In 'Zoo Trustworthiness' Poll

FIRST Minister Jack McConnell is the party leader least trusted to take your 19 year old-sister to the zoo, according to the first Daily Mash readers' poll.

Lib Dems Unveil 'Panto Stars For A Federal Britain'

THE Liberal Democrats received an election boost today as the greats of Scottish pantomime threw their weight behind slightly more powers for the Holyrood Parliament.

Exams Force Alexander To Quit Labour Campaign

SCOTTISH Secretary Douglas Alexander has been ordered to quit Labour's Holyrood election campaign and concentrate on revising for his Highers.

Scots Tories Pledge Cut Price Booze And Neighbourhood Sex Parties

THE Scottish Tories were accused of blatant populism today as they unveiled a manifesto bursting at the seems with sex, booze and holidays.

New Teeth For All, Pledge Lib Dems

EVERY Scot will be fitted with a new set of state-of-the-art acrylic teeth within the lifetime of the next parliament, the Lib Dems pledged today.

Three Year-Olds To Learn Klingon In Labour Manifesto Pledge

JACK McConnell unveiled Labour's Holyrood manifesto today with a commitment to improve the foreign language skills of Scotland's toddlers.

Salmond: I'm Bigger Than Jesus Now

SNP leader Alex Salmond provoked religious fury last night after announcing he was now more popular than Jesus Christ.

Mcconnell To Campaign Dressed As Holly Hunter In 'The Piano'

FIRST minister Jack McConnell delighted Labour activists today by appearing at an election rally dressed as Holly Hunter in her Oscar-winning role in The Piano.

Foreign Office Has No Idea Who Foreign Secretary Is

AFTER months of speculation, civil servants at the Foreign Office have admitted that they do not know who the Foreign Secretary is.