Politics Headlines

Queen a fat lot of f**king use, realises Britain

THE UK has finally concluded that the monarchy is as useful in a crisis as an upside-down urinal, it has emerged.

Britain officially a banana republic

BRITAIN is now officially a banana republic with sunshine, a sham democracy and a reasonably good football team.

Five backstop solutions that are obvious if you're thick

ARE you sick of the backstop getting in the way of Brexit while being too moronic to understand what it is? Leave voter Martin Bishop runs down the alternatives.

It'll be just like The Good Life, say cheerful no-dealers

NO-DEAL Brexiters claim that after October 31st life will be a jolly self-sufficient romp growing vegetables, keeping pigs and having it off with Felicity Kendal.

Five great reasons to hate the Lib Dems all over again

THE Liberal Democrats are making a comeback by once again sounding reasonable and sane compared to everyone else. Here’s how to justify your instinctive loathing.

Farage labels Queen Mother 'overweight, chain smoking gin drinker' without realising that's half the country

NIGEL Farage labelled the Queen Mother an 'overweight, chain smoking gin drinker' without realising that describes most of Britain and 95  percent of his own party.

'Marry Wales, shag Northern Ireland, kill Scotland', says Johnson

THE prime minister’s has declared that he would marry Wales, f**k Northern Ireland and kill Scotland.

The Government's No-Deal Brexit Preparations Guide and Complimentary Bodybag

DEAR householder, this leaflet outlines the various preparations that British citizens should make for a No-Deal Brexit. Page 24 unfolds into a free human remains pouch.

May to run screaming through 80 miles of wheat

THERESA May is to formally resign as prime minister then run shrieking like a banshee through 80 miles of wheat, it has emerged.

What Boris Johnson will do in his first 24 hours as prime minister

BORIS Johnson is Britain’s prime minister, and the first 24 hours of his premiership are crucial. But how will he spend them?

Iain Duncan Smith to return as Secretary of State for Creeping Up Behind You

IAIN Duncan Smith is to return to government as the Secretary of State for Creeping Up Behind You.

My idiot sons could run this country better than you, Queen tells May

THE Queen has told Theresa May that her useless do-nothing sons would be better at running Britain.